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Book Review: When She Returned

When She Returned by Lucinda Berry was such an interesting read. I read this book in 2021 and although it did not make it into my top five, it was one of the most memorable books I read last year. This book was different from a lot of thrillers I have read.

Eleven years ago Kate Bennett vanished from a Target parking lot. She left behind her husband and young daughter. She shows up one day at a gas station in Montana screaming for help while holding an infant. Investigators believe she may have been abducted by a cult. Kate’s husband is now remarried and her daughter barely remembers her. With Kate’s return they are all trying to navigate their new life while also figuring out what happened to Kate. Kate’s return though may not be the happy reunion they were all hoping for, as it seems she may have an ulterior motive.

I found this book to be so interesting. The whole cult aspect just fascinated me. The fact that seemingly intelligent people can be sucked into these cults, without question, is so interesting to me. This book was told from multiple viewpoints which I felt helped advance the story. This book kept me guessing until the end. I could tell Kate was up to something, I just could not figure out exactly what that was.

I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. The story line was interesting and different, the characters were likeable, but also mysterious in their own ways, and the twists kept you guessing throughout the novel. I would definitely recommend this book to people who like thrillers and mysteries. I think I read this book in about two days because I couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen. I have read multiple books by this author and I would highly recommend her novels.

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Book Review: Every Last Secret

Every Last Secret by A.R. Torre is a fast paced, easy to read, thriller. There was nothing groundbreaking about this book, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and it honestly did keep my guessing the whole time. When the twist came at the end I was actually a little bit surprised.

This novel follows the characters Cat Winthorpe and her husband William and their new neighbors, Neena and Matt Ryder. Cat has everything she could ever want. She has the perfect home, the perfect husband, they live in a great neighborhood and she doesn’t have to work because her husband runs a very successful business. Neena is their new next door neighbor, she also happens to be a new employee for William. Neena wants everything Cat has, including her husband. The question is, how far will Neena go to get it?

I love a good domestic, house-wife, rich neighborhood thriller. The exclusive, rich neighborhood story line always fascinates me because I have never lived somewhere like that or personally experienced it and every time I read a novel about it I can’t understand why people would want to live like this. Like I mentioned earlier, this was a fast easy read. I think I read the book in about a day. It was not the best book I ever read, but if you are looking for an easy thriller that is entertaining, that is exactly what this book is.

I gave this book 3/5 stars. I wouldn’t go out of my way to read it again, but I would recommend the book to people. The characters were interesting, the plot was good, the story seemed straight forward, but there was a good twist at the end. I am would like to read more books by this author and see how they compare.

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Book Review: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid is a book that I have seen everywhere. It feels like everyone has been talking about it and honestly it took me a while to actually read it because when a book gets that much hype it makes me nervous. I was worried that it was not going to be that good. After reading this book though, it deserves all of the praise it has received. This book was so good. It was honestly unlike anything I have ever read before.

Evelyn Hugo was a Hollywood movie icon from the 1950s to the 80s, when she made the decision to leave the industry. She has not done any interviews since she has left the industry. Suddenly she chooses to tell her story to an unknown magazine reporter, Monique Grant. Monique has no idea why Evelyn has chosen her to write her biography, but she wants to use this opportunity to jump-start her career. Throughout the novel Evelyn tells Monique the story of her life and answers all of the questions everyone is dying to know the answers to. Why was she married seven times? Who did she love the most? Why did she suddenly leave the industry? Why now is she choosing to do an interview? And the biggest question for Monique, why did Evelyn choose her to write her biography?

I cannot give enough praise to this book. I felt every possible emotion while reading this novel. The story was beautiful and unlike anything I have ever read. This was one of the first books I read this year and I have no idea if I am going to be able to top it. I loved the old Hollywood feel the book had, I loved the characters, and I loved the unexpected story-lines throughout. I honestly could see this book one day becoming a movie.

I give this book 5/5 stars. I would honestly give it more if I could. I cannot stop thinking about this novel. I wish I could read it again for the first time. I would highly recommend this book to anyone. If you only read one book this year, make it this one.

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Book Review: Reminders of Him

Reminders of Him is Colleen Hoover’s newest release. The novel was one of her best yet. It was real, it was raw, and it was beautiful. This is hands down one of my favorite Colleen Hoover books. If you are looking for a book to get you back in to reading, this is it!

This novel was about Kenna Rowan who has just been released from prison for a tragic mistake. She has spent the past five years in prison and now that she is out all she wants is to get her four year old daughter back. No one in her daughter’s life wants Kenna to get her back and she is determined to do whatever she has to do. Kenna ends up falling for Ledger Ward, a local bar owner, but he is the last person she should be falling for. They have to decide if it is worth seeing each other and potentially losing the trust of everyone who is important in their lives.

I found this book to be beautifully written and very moving. After reading this I was wishing for another book with these characters because I did not want to let them go. Nothing super surprising happened in this book, but I felt that it did not need to. I think this book did a good job of showing that some people may make terrible mistakes, but that does not make them a bad person. Kenna’s journey was inspiring and eye opening. You should never judge someone for past mistakes and this book portrayed that beautifully.

I gave this book 4.5/5 stars. I would love to read this book again later on down the line at some point. I wish I hadn’t read it yet, so that I could experience it all over for the first time again.

Be sure to check out my Instagram: @bookswithmadelyn for more updates!

Book Review: It Ends With Us

It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover is a tear-jerker for sure. It is realistic, beautiful, painful, and just overall a very important book. This for sure is one of my favorite Colleen Hoover books. After I finished the book I kept thinking about it. It is also one of those books I plan to read again in a few years.

In this novel Lily has just graduated from college and moved to Boston. One night she meets Ryle Kincaid, who is a neurosurgeon. She finds herself immediately drawn to him and he feels the same way. Ryle Usually has a very strict no dating rule, but he is willing to make an exception for Lily. Not long after Ryle and Lily get together, Atlas Corrigan suddenly reappears. With Atlas back in the picture, it threatens everything Lily has built with Ryle.

If you do read this book I would like to add a trigger warning because this book does talk about domestic violence. With that said, I think this book does an excellent job at depicting domestic violence and all of the feelings that come with it. All of the characters in this book are likeable, despite the bad stuff they may do, or have done. I think that is why this book is so important. It provides a first look into the question, “why didn’t you just leave?”. That question is so simple for such a complicated situation. There are many layers to the answer to that question and this book helps to break apart those layers.

I gave this book 4.5/5 stars. It was beautifully written and it handled a hard topic in such a graceful way. I also want to add as a quick side note, I always love the names of the characters in Colleen Hoover’s books. They are always so cool and different.

Overall, I highly recommend this book. If you like Colleen Hoover’s books I believe you will enjoy this one as well. Stay tuned for Friday’s post where I will be doing a review of her newest novel, Reminders of Him.

Be sure to check out my Instagram: @bookswithmadelyn to see more of what I am reading!

Book Review: Layla

Layla by Colleen Hoover was definitely an interesting read. This week all of my blog posts will be dedicated to Colleen Hoover. Last month I read three of her books. I have read a couple of her books before as well. Usually, I really like her novels, but this one just didn’t do it for me.

Leeds meets Layla and he believes he will spend the rest of his life with her. But then, an unexpected attack leaves Layla fighting for her life. After Layla gets out of the hospital Leeds decides to take her back to the bed and breakfast they met at. He believes taking her back there will help recover her memories and help get their relationship back to what it once was. Leeds still feels distant from her though and finds comfort in Willow, another guest at the bed and breakfast.

The plot of this book sounded interesting to me, but then I started reading it. I was not prepared at all for what was going to happen in this book. I don’t think I have ever rolled my eyes so many times during a book. This book was like a car accident. As much as I hated it and wanted to stop reading it, I just couldn’t put it down. I needed to know what would happen, no matter how much it hurt me to read it. There is definitely an audience for this book, I am just not it.

I gave this book 2/5 stars. I would have given it 1 star, but I guess there were some good moments throughout the book. I usually really enjoy Colleen Hoover’s novels, but I just couldn’t get behind this one. I think if I knew more going in to it I may have been able to enjoy it more, but I am not positive about that.

I would never hesitate to recommend a Colleen Hoover book, but I don’t know if I would recommend this one. This one is hard to write about as well because I don’t want to give too much away. I guess I will leave it at this: read this book at your own risk.

As always be sure to check out my Instagram: @bookswithmadelyn to keep up to date on what I am currently reading!

Book Review: Libertie

My first book of the year was Libertie by Kaitlyn Greenidge. I found this novel to be wholesome and inspiring. I enjoy historical fiction novels, but I sometimes struggle with them because they are not fast paced and I find myself having to be in the right mindset in order to fully enjoy the book. I read a couple thrillers before this so I was definitely ready for a more slow-paced, coming of age novel.

This novel follows Libertie, who is a freeborn black girl in Reconstruction-ere Brooklyn. Her mother is a doctor and has dreams of Libertie following in her footsteps and the two of them being able to practice alongside each other. Libertie on the other hand, is more interested in the arts, and has no interest in science or becoming a doctor. Libertie ends up meeting a man from Haiti and he promises to bring her back to Haiti with him to live together and that she will always be his equal. Quickly though, Libertie realizes she will always be subordinate to him, and all men for that matter. Now she is questioning and trying to figure out what does it truly mean to be a free black woman.

I found this book to be really eye opening and the character of Libertie was written well. She was raw and real and sympathetic. Following her through her life and her struggles almost felt like an honor in a way. She was able to make you feel her frustrations, her hopes, her dreams, and her love. She was just trying to figure herself out, but also the meaning of freedom.

I gave this book 4.5/5 stars. I highly recommend the novel. I was able to learn a lot from it and I am sure others are as well. If you are looking for a good historical fiction, coming of age novel, with a strong female character, this one is for you.

Be sure to follow my instagram for book updates: @bookswithmadelyn

And be sure to stay tuned for next weeks posts which I am super excited for! I am dedicating all of next weeks posts to Colleen Hoover and will be reviewing three of her books. My posts go up at 10:00 AM eastern time, every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, so be on the look out for those!

Book Review: A Flicker in the Dark

A Flicker in the Dark by Stacy Willingham was just released on January 11th. As a member of Book of the Month I was able to get it in my December box, and because of the hype, I was super excited to read it. Unfortunately, this book kind of fell flat for me. At times I really enjoyed it, but I spent most of the time being really annoyed with the main character, which just made it a difficult read.

When Chloe Davis was twelve, six girls in her small town go missing in the beginning of summer. By the end of the summer Chloe’s father confesses to the crimes and is put in prison for life. Now it is twenty years later and Chloe is working as a psychologist and getting prepared for her wedding. She feels like she finally has her life together when suddenly local teenage girls start to go missing again.

I so wanted to love this book, but I just didn’t. I’m glad I read it, it just wasn’t my favorite. Honestly I would have enjoyed it a lot more if Chloe didn’t get on my nerves so much. I thought the plot twist was interesting, but at the same time I actually predicted it pretty early on in the book. I also wish it moved a little bit faster. There were also times where I felt there were unnecessary details included.

Overall, I would give this book 3/5 stars. It was good I just felt it was missing something. I have seen a lot of mixed reviews on this book, so it really just comes down to personal taste and what type of writing style you prefer. Like I said earlier, I am glad I read it and I think the plot was super interesting, it was just lacking something for me.

Make sure to follow my instagram: @bookswithmadelyn

I post a ton a lot of updates about what I am currently reading on there, as well as shorter reviews of books, so give it a follow if you want to be more up to date on what I am reading!

January Reading Wrap-up

January felt literally like the longest month ever, but at the same time I am surprised it is already February. With the end of January, this post is dedicated to my January reading wrap-up! I read 12 books in January and honestly this was a great reading month for me. I read some of the best books I have ever read.

The twelve books I read this month were:

  1. Libertie by Kaitlyn Greenidge
  2. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
  3. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
  4. No Time to Say Goodbye by Kate Hewitt
  5. When the Stars Go Dark by Paula McLain
  6. A Flicker in the Dark by Stacy Willingham
  7. Family Happiness by Laurie Colwin
  8. Mrs. Mike by Benedict Freedman
  9. It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover
  10. Layla by Colleen Hoover
  11. Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover
  12. The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn

Clearly, I went on a little bit of a Colleen Hoover binge towards the end. My least favorite on this list was definitely Layla by Colleen Hoover. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say about that book. I really did not like it. There is definitely an audience for it, but I’m definitely not it. I gave it 2/5 stars because I think there might be some redeemable qualities? But honestly, I don’t know. The book kind of broke my brain temporarily and I’m still trying to sort my thoughts from that book.

My favorite book was hands down The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Going into this my expectations were actually kind of low. I had been seeing the book everywhere and just kind of assumed the book was being over hyped, but that is definitely not the case. I would read that book over and over again if I could. If you do read it, I am just warning you now, be prepared to cry. I don’t cry a lot at books, but I sobbed at the end of this one. I can’t praise this book enough, so just do yourself a favor and read it.

There are some honorable mentions on this list as well. Reminders of Him was also really good and I sobbed at this book as well to be honest. I also cried at It Ends With Us so it was a big month of tears for me. If you are looking for a good historical fiction, coming of age novel, I would recommend Libertie I have not seen a lot about the book, but it deserves praise. I really enjoyed it and wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it.

I am excited to see what February brings and how many books I read this month. Especially with it being a shorter month. Let me know what you read this month! as always be sure to check out my instagram: @bookswithmadelyn to keep up to date with my current reads!

Book Review: When the Stars Go Dark

When the Stars Go Dark by Paula McLain was an absolutely beautiful book. First of all, the title immediately draws you in. Second, the writing in this book was stunning. The writing was poetic and I kept going back and rereading lines just to appreciate how beautiful the writing was.

This book tells the story of Anna Hart who is a missing persons detective. A terrible tragedy sends Anna back to her hometown so she can try to process and grieve. Shortly after arriving to her hometown she discovers there is a fifteen year old girl missing and Anna quickly joins in on the case. While investigating this crime it starts to remind Anna of one of her friends who went missing years before when they were both fifteen.

I loved this book. I thought the plot was good, Anna was a sympathetic character, plus this book actually dove deeper and used actual missing persons cases and trauma theory as well. The book even touched on what makes some people more susceptible to predators than others. That approach could have easily turned into victim blaming, but it never did, it was done tactfully and I was able to relate to it in some ways and also learn from it as well.

To me, a book isn’t complete unless I am able to take something away from it. Whether that be a lesson, or an understanding of others more, etc. I was able to take a lot from this book and even able to understand my own traumas more.

I highly recommend this book. It was well-written, fast paced, there were a lot of good characters, and it kept me guessing the whole time. In the end I was kind of able to figure it out, but there were still plot twists that I did not see coming and I always appreciate an extra surprise element. Overall, I give this book 5/5 stars. This is a book that I am going to carry with me for a while and I cannot recommend it enough.

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My Top Five Books of 2021

In 2021 I read 100 books and in this blog post I am going to be sharing my top five favorite books I read last year. My reading style is kind of all over the place and this post will reflect that, but I tend to read mostly contemporary fiction, mystery and thrillers, and some historical fiction. Choosing my top five was extremely difficult because I read so many good books, but I somehow managed to curate a list of my five favorite books I read last year and here they are (in no particular order):

  1. A Little Hope by Ethan Joella. this book had a lot of characters and when I read the synopsis it honestly confused me, but it was such a beautiful book and it all begins to make sense once you start reading. This book follows a couple named Freddie and Greg Tyler through Greg’s cancer diagnosis. This book also touches on the stories of the people in their town and their life challenges and hardships as well. It is a simple story and the writing was beautiful. I found it to be a really impactful novel and just a reminder that you don’t know what other people are going through or experiencing in their lives.
  2. Miss Jane by Brad Watson is a coming of age, historical fiction novel about the life of Jane Chisolm, who was born in the early twentieth century with a genital birth defect. This birth defect causes Jane to not be able to live what would be considered a “normal” life for a woman at that time. She was unable to have kids because of it and therefore she never married. So many people told her she was destined to live a lonely life, but Jane was determined to prove her life was anything but lonely. I loved how this novel looked differences in the face and proved that just because someone is different does not mean there is anything wrong with them. While I was reading this book I kept thinking of how shame is an emotion or feeling you do not really feel until others put that feeling on you.
  3. Spilled Milk by K.L. Randis is a book that is based on a true story. This book follows Brooke Nolan who is being abused by her father and one day she makes an anonymous phone call about the abuse because it has been escalating. Unfortunately, social services ends up actually jeopardizing her safety so she quickly takes back what she said and is forced to keep her fathers secret longer. One night though she is at her friends house and a glass of spilled milk is what brings Brooke to tell the truth about her father. It then follows Brooke through the journey of the trial against her father and also the journey of losing family members who do not support her through the trial. I really liked how this book took abuse and looked at it as a whole and not just as a singular issue. It examined what it is like to have people not believe you when you decide to tell your truth. Brooke’s resiliency was used against her, the question of why she never told anyone was brought up, she was blamed for what happened to her and for ruining her fathers life because of what he did. I thought this book did an exceptional job at depicting abuse in a family and all the different aspects that play a part. I found this novel to be liberating, I guess is the best word I can think of. It was well written and I highly recommend the book.
  4. Once There Were Wolves by Charlotte McConaghy was such a good book. This book stole a piece of my heart and I read it months ago and I find myself still thinking about it. Inti Flynn moves to Scotland with her twin sister, Aggie, because Inti is leading a team of biologists in reintroducing 14 gray wolves into the remote Highlands. They are introducing the wolves to help the dying landscape in Scotland. Inti brought her sister with her because she is hoping to help heal her sister from a terrible trauma and secret that has made them leave Alaska. The town is not thrilled about the wolves and shortly after the wolves were introduced to the land, a farmer ends up dead and the town is blaming the wolves. Inti is determined to prove it was not the wolves, but that is becoming difficult when all signs are actually pointing to the man she has begun to fall in love with. The writing in this book was absolutely stunning. It was poetic and remained graceful while talking about some terrible tragedies. I would read this book over and over again if I could. The plot twist at the end really surprised me. I honestly did not see it coming. If you only read one book on this list, read this one. You will not regret it.
  5. A Town Called Solace by Mary Lawson is told from the viewpoint of three different people. Clara is 8 years old and her older sister, Rose, is missing. She has not been seen or heard from for weeks. Clara is young and does not fully understand what is happening, but she is anxiously awaiting the return of her sister. Liam Payne is in his early thirties and he has just moved across the street from Clara’s family. This is a small town and with his new arrival around the time of Rose’s disappearance is a cause for concern for Clara. Mrs. Orchard is in her eighties and she owns the home Liam is now staying in. Mrs. Orchard is in the hospital and has asked Clara to keep an eye on her cat. Throughout the novel you find out how Mrs. Orchard and Liam are acquainted and what transpired between the two of them many years ago. I enjoyed this novel because it has a little bit of everything. It was a mixture of contemporary fiction and mystery and the three different viewpoints added a whole other element. Again, the writing in this novel was beautiful and beautiful writing will get me every time. This is another book I read months ago, but still think about. I almost wish I didn’t read it yet and that I could read it for the first time again. This book made me want to read more of Mary Lawson’s novels.

These were my top five books of 2021 and I am excited to see what will make my top five at the end of this year. Right now I have my yearly goal set at 50 books, but I am hoping to reach 100 again. I am currently on my 9th book of the year. I am surprised I was able to narrow it down to just five books. It was hard but these novels definitely deserved to be in the top five and again I highly recommend each of them. Next time you are looking for something to read I promise you will not regret reading any of these books.

Book Review: Family Happiness

Family Happiness by Laurie Colwin was such a good read. It is one of those books where once you finish it you cannot stop thinking about it. The more I read literary fiction and contemporary fiction the more I fall in love with it. There is simplicity to the stories, yet the feelings you get from them is so much more than simplistic.

This book follows Polly who seems to come from the picture perfect family. She is married to a great guy who has built a wonderful life for himself and his family, she has two perfect children, her parents are successful and well-known in her community, and her siblings are also successful in their own ways. In so many ways Polly appears to have the perfect life, except for one big thing: she is in the midst of a love affair with a painter named Lincoln.

Throughout the entire book as a reader I could just feel everything Polly was feeling and going through. Polly was relatable and her pain was palpable. I loved the connection I felt with Polly even though I have never actually been through what she was experiencing. The question that kept coming up for me throughout the entire book was, is it possible for good people to have an affair? Obviously everyone will answer that question differently, but I do not think the answer is as simple as it would appear.

Based on the reviews I have read I know not everyone loves this book, but I have to say I really loved it. This book looked at the role of women as daughters, mothers, wives, and siblings and showed the pressure that can be created for these women to always have it together and to care about everyone else’s feelings whilst no one else really seems to care about theirs. At the end of the book I was actually sad to see Polly go and to no longer be apart of her journey.

I would highly recommend this book. It is a quick read, there are a lot of funny, dry humor moments, and the writing was beautiful. I give this book 4/5 stars and I definitely want to read more of Laurie Colwin’s books in the future.

Just Look Out the Window

I have been thinking a lot lately about time and how as a society we are always on the go. We hardly ever live in the moment or slow down and take in what is going on right in front of us. There is so much pressure to always be working hard and when you take a break or slow down for a bit I find I feel like a failure in some way because I am not working hard enough or because I need a break. I often find myself rushing from one thing to the next. One morning I was rushing through trying to get my morning started. I had taken out my dog, Ellie, I brought her back in and fed her and my cat, Fiona. I was trying to get my list of things I needed to do that day started, but when I walked by my bedroom I noticed Ellie was sitting on my bed trying her best to look out the window with Fiona. Fiona has no trouble getting up to the windowsill so she can look out the window, but Ellie can’t get up there on her own and she needs me to hold her there so she does not fall off of it (she is quite clumsy and has no spatial awareness). I had things that needed to get done, but watching Ellie sitting on my bed trying to see the little bit that she could through the window made me stop and slow down. I walked in to my room and asked Ellie if she wanted to look out the window. It is one of her favorite things to do and she knows what the question means. Immediately she started wagging her tail and running towards me so I could pick her up and put her up on the windowsill. It had snowed the night before and all Ellie and Fiona wanted to do was stare at the snow lying on the ground and balancing in the trees. I could see the joy radiating out of Ellie and it was coming from such a simple thing. This all made me stop and really appreciate just living in the moment and appreciating the small things. I know this all sounds so cliche, but I could have easily ignored Ellie and kept moving on with my day, but because I stopped and slowed down and gave her that little bit of joy, in turn, I was giving myself a little bit of joy. And time. And forgiveness. We can learn so much from dogs and in this moment I learned so much from Ellie. Sometimes, we need to just slow down and look out the window and find joy in even the tiniest of things.

Enjoy the Silence

Sometimes, the silence that lingers- says what we cannot; it holds a key to all of the unspoken words; the words no one wants to say; the ones we are too afraid to admit to ourselves; I know all about silence- it is where I am most comfortable; it is where I live most days; silence does not bother me the way it does others; I find comfort in it; I find myself in it; some think it is a bad thing I am quiet- and maybe it is; but it has never bothered me; sometimes others talk too much- some things are better left unsaid; I have learned to enjoy the silence; sometimes that is when you learn the most about others; you can see who others really are- when all there is- is silence.

The Truth

I picture what could have happened when I told you the truth- my truth; the story that has kept a hold on me for as long as I can remember; I imagined the moment so many times; I wrote a narrative and created a character you would never be able to play; being upset at your reaction-was my fault really; I set you to impossibly high standards; my mind created a version of you that will never exist; when I told you the first time- and you hardly reacted- I should have just left it there; I should have buried the secret back down and never brought it up again; it was my fault really- for thinking you would rally behind me- when you never really cared for my presence in the first place- at one point you did though- which is why I tried to tell you the truth; I honestly thought you forgot I even told you; until one night you bring it up again; once again- it is my fault for feeling hopeful; my heart beating uncontrollably fast when I think you might try to help me; just the thought of you believing me makes the darkness feel less vast; instead- you ask me why I would make up something like that- why I would even say such a thing; I feel the darkness swallow me whole; that night I read a book- the main character tells her truth; everyone she tells believes her; everyone she tells wants to help her; at one point I started crying so hard I could not even see the pages anymore; when I finish the book I throw it against the wall- as the words- why would you make this up- echo throughout my mind; the first time I watched my body being taken I felt like I was not even in the room; afterwards, the pain I felt- felt like it could not possibly be mine; it felt as if it should belong to someone else; I now picture what I wanted to happen when I told you the truth; you listen to every word I say; you ask questions- but do not get angry when I choose not to answer; you tell me you believe me; when I cry- you just let me; you tell me you believe me; it is so good to finally feel at home.

New Beginnings

The moon never apologizes for how much-or how little light she decides to cast upon the night; so I will learn from her and try to stop apologizing for the way I show up in my life; it was a Tuesday afternoon and I was crying; I was not crying from anything bad-for what felt like the first time in forever- I was crying from laughing so hard; we both started laughing and at some point it developed into tears and now neither of us can breathe in the best way; it is in these moments I realize the strongest things always make it through; there are so many days where the sadness camps itself inside of my heart and I cannot get her to go away; but the happiness is determined to push through; and when I really need her to show up- somehow she always does; there are bad things- but I am working on not letting it dictate the good; my happiness is all there is to separate him from me; he may have taken many things from me the night he took my body; but I will work on not letting him take it all away; I am standing in the middle of my new apartment- the one I worked hard for- the one so many people told me I would not be able to get- and I think of all of the people who have told me I would never be successful; I envision all of the nights where giving up seemed like the best option- sometimes the only option- and right now I am so glad I never gave up; I am learning there will always be people who will doubt your ability; there will always be people who want more from you than you are able to give; but in the end the right people will always show up; the right people will always be happy for you and support every decision you make; it is a Tuesday afternoon and the world does not feel like it is closing in around me; it is a Tuesday afternoon and I will accept the happiness and try to not diminish it; the moon never apologizes for how she shows up; and from now on- I will try to not either.

Part Three

I live in a body that was never really mine; I count backwards from ten- try to find the number that will make all of this mean something; try to find the number that will convince me that all of this is okay; my assault is a story told in three parts; part one- your love is unconditional; you come to save me from the wreckage- you promise me you love me; you promise me you will not hurt me; I believe every word you say- even when I know better; part two- your anger begins to explode into small moments throughout the day; your dislike for me slowly becoming the loudest thing in the room; you tell me you know what is best for me; tell me you are helping me; you tell me I am always wrong- yet you still tell me that you love me; still promise me you will never hurt me; I still believe every word you say; part three- you steal my body from me- claim it as your own; when I feel you inside of me- I have to pretend to just not; I spend hours in the shower scrubbing away your touch; call a rape crisis hotline- hang up on the first ring; call again and again- only to just keep hanging up; I write down all of the reasons it is my fault; I ice the bruises- wash all of the wounds you left behind; try to call the hotline just one more time- but the fear and shame are just too persistent; the walls collapse around me- I see your face every time I close my eyes; there is a forgetfulness that takes over the memories- a wall that closes around my mind; I wish to forget every detail- yet I am fighting to remember any of the details; I call the hotline one last time- when the person on the other end reminds me I am not alone- I want to tell her that that is the problem- instead I just hang up; I check all of the locks three times; I look for the moon through my window- make sure she can see inside; I promise the moon I will make it to the morning; I follow the moon on my drive every morning; I thank her for getting me through another night; before I start my day- I count backwards from ten- try to find the number that will make all of this mean something; try to find the number that will convince me that all of this is okay- learn to accept- that maybe I will never be okay.

Silent Ache

I trace the flowers planted out front; breathe in the love you once so seamlessly provided; it was just a spilled glass of water- yet always so much more to you; I return to the site of ache every night my foot touches the doorstep; I open the front door- careful not to keep it open for too long- for fear all of the bones of trauma that live here will tumble out; my body covered by the hands of your shame; I pray to the stars in the night sky- pray one day there will be a way out; behind these walls- only loneliness exists; I drown over and over again in the secrets I keep for you; I feel the ache between my thighs- the only proof I have you were ever here; my rib snaps in half; I offer you a part of it- I give you pieces of me in hopes it will feel less like you are taking all of me; guilt builds a home inside of my body- she invites shame to occupy every space you have not touched; when the blood comes- I will ignore it for as long as possible; the door to your love has been locked for a long time now; I follow the destruction you always leave behind; I carve more pieces out of my body for you; I spend nights scrubbing away your touch; to live in a body that has been raped- is to live with a silent ache only I will ever know is there; some of us can build a house made of stone- turn the trauma into strength; but what are you supposed to do- when the trauma seems to be breaking you- instead of making you stronger; what happens when you cannot build a house out of stone; what happens when you are simply too tired to rebuild what once was; how do you rebuild yourself- when you cannot follow the narrative everyone else has written; my body hollow and bruised; loneliness lives in every corner; I say goodnight- and I try to not mean goodbye; I watch my body being taken from me night after night; day after day; I watch the shame wash over me- she haunts me through every room I enter; my nightmares occupied by your face; I try to scream- but no sound ever seems to come; I cling to the idea that this is all just a dream- but the quiet ache always returns; I am bruised and broken; my soul damaged; I return to the site of ache- breathe in once- quietly push the door open- careful not to keep it open for too long- for fear all of my secrets- your secrets- will tumble out; my body always covered by the hands of your shame; to live in a body that has been raped- is to never fully own your body again.

Wounded Love

We live with trust printed on the back of our hearts; drowning in all of your words hoping to believe the truth lies somewhere in them; your words left wounds; the same way your love does; it is not that I do not believe in your love; it is more that I stopped believing you when you told me you loved me; I think about your family often; I wonder if they miss you; or at least miss who you once were; but will never be again; I try to scrub myself clean of the memories of you; try to make all of the parts of me you have touched disappear; when the light comes shining in through my window just right- it almost does look like you love me; I do not know why I want you to love me; it would be much easier if you did not; it would be much easier if I would not let myself drown in all of the lies you cover me in; it is not that it always feels so impossible to fully love you; it is more that it feels like you want me to love you more than anything; yet you never want to reciprocate any of this love; I drag your love onto the grave site that sits on my heart; I worship the ghosts of the love that you were at one time able to provide; I wish over and over that you will one day turn back into the person you once were; I still drown in all of your words while I tirelessly search for the truth; believing it has to be hidden somewhere in there; no matter how far it is hidden- there are so many days where I am still determined to find it; determined to turn the wounds your love leaves back into anything else; I still look for the light to shine through just right- to prove the person you once were- still exists somewhere; even if it is hard to find.

Broken Sadness

This sadness is the gospel I worship every night; thoughts of ending it all race through my mind- more often than I would ever care to admit; I know too many people believe I choose this; there are so many days where I question whether or not I am making it all up; I worry what if I do like the suffering; maybe all of this suffering is what makes me interesting; I wonder what I would be without this sadness; what would happen if the trauma were to disappear; there are different things that make us whole; so many parts that make up who we are; what are you supposed to do when the parts of you that scare everyone else- make up most of who you are; I do not know who I would be without the skeletons of my trauma following me into every room I enter; the brokenness builds a home out of me; making me whole in a way others will never understand; when you have been broken for so long- sometimes it feels as if there is no other way too be; I am saying all of this to tell you- I am sorry if all of this is too much for you; I am sorry if my sadness makes you uncomfortable; I am working on building homes out of the happy moments; but it will take some time; the body has to build a tolerance to everything; and for now- my body is trying to figure out how to hold happiness.

My Ocean of Secrets

Sometimes I feel the more I think about it the more control he has over me; if I pretend it never happened- maybe I can convince myself it never actually happened; no matter what the scars on my soul tell me; no matter how many nightmares I have; if you keep hiding from the truth- you might be able to convince yourself of anything; I convince myself that something else happened that night- anything else happened that night; except convincing yourself never really works- but what is the harm in pretending; what is the harm in ripping the truth out of yourself and throwing it into the ocean; hoping with each wave the truth of what happened will drown a little bit more; my truths cover the entire ocean floor now; when you swim in the ocean- be careful not to cut yourself on the shards of my secrets.

Timmy

When I was 8 years old every girl in my class had a crush on a boy named Timmy; of course I said I did too- because the way they talked about him made it seem like he placed all the stars in the night sky; made it seem like if I did not like him- there was something wrong with me; I stared at him everyday of second grade trying to figure out why I could not see it; trying to figure out why I could not feel what every other girl so easily felt; that was the year I realized I was different; people do not always like different; from that year on I have buried myself so far into the closet there are days where sometimes I have to make sure that the door is still able to open; I have hidden this secret in the dark house of my bones and have let the shame of it nearly kill me; there are so many days I promise myself I will take this secret to the grave with me; from that year on I have become a girl who is made up of apologies; this closet keeps getting darker and darker; I cannot quite decide if I am more terrified of the dark; or the guilt and shame that always seem to come with it.

Alternate Universe

In another world- I think maybe this all would have made sense; in another world- I may have been strong enough to actually leave; I stand at the casket of your love- your love that never really existed- but I convinced myself it did anyway; your love that is now just bone ground into dust; I convince myself of a lot of things when I am with you; I will turn into whatever you want me to be- which I know is sometimes the problem; my sexual orientation is still the loudest thing in the room whenever I am with you; to you I represent all of the sins of the land; to love the way I do- is to throw flames into an already burning fire; I know you see this love as a sacrifice; you see me as the greatest burden to enter every room; I watch you fall; I watch the whole world collapse around us; yet I still do not know how to leave; I know there is another world- in which I am unfazed by the fact that you do not love me back; there is another world where you tell me you may never love me- I learn to not hope for anything different; I learn to not chase something that does not exist in the first place; the thing I am learning about this love- is there is always a wrong way to be something; there is always a wrong way to live; in this world- I spend no more time convincing you to love me; I take the time you have granted me and put the hours back into myself; I take the hours and build a home out of what I love; without you in my life- I have so much time; and so many glorious things to fill it with.

When Anger Visits

I tell her I am sorry- she has to leave now because I do not want her around; she refuses to leave, tells me it is not true; she says the truth is I have always wanted to be with her; she is not wrong; I always wondered what she would feel like, but I was never allowed to get to know her; my body carved hollow to only feel what they want me to feel; I think they may have forgotten about the grave- somewhere deep inside of me- holding all of the secrets- their secrets; she follows me every where some days- no matter what I do I can just not get rid of her; I hear whispers of her presence in every hallway I walk through; my chest tightens; heart beats faster; I beg her to just leave me alone- yet she still will not leave; she tells me she will not leave- because clearly I do not want her to; one day- I ask her what she wants- I ask her to explain to me why I cannot get her to leave me alone; I ask her- why is she here now; why did she not bother to show up when I was being raped- because if she showed up then- maybe together we would have been able to stop it; we sit in silence for a while; I tell her if she is going to stay she needs to give me time to get used to her; that is the thing about emotions- anger specifically; when you are not used to feeling them- when you are told you are wrong for feeling them- you will do everything in your power to send them away; which will just make them come back stronger; I look anger in the eye- tell her it is okay if she wants to stay around for a while; maybe letting her live in me will not be such a bad thing; maybe feeling different emotions- no matter how uncomfortable- can be a good thing; maybe with anger on my side- I will finally learn how to not just back down; I will finally learn it is okay to fight if you need to.

Dreams and Rituals

I am lying in my bed and surrounding myself with as many pillows as I possibly can- I am trying to make sure if he shows up in my dreams tonight- I will be prepared; my dog sleeps by my head most nights- and I like to think it is because she knows I can use all of the protection I can get; every night I carry out a ritual of made up safety; a ritual that is slowly turning into obsessions that I think may never really help- but I may never be able to stop; I will sleep under as many blankets as it takes to stop feeling so exposed; I will hide from him; I will hide from him until hiding no longer feels safe- and when it no longer feels safe I am not quite sure what I will do; the day he took my body from me- he also took my home; the day he took my body- he took everything; most nights I read until my eyes are burning- because the thought of going to sleep is just too scary; I do not want to see his face ever again if I do not have to; I wake one night to the sound of a scream and my dog frantically licking my face- it takes me a minute to realize that scream came out of me; I clutch the stuffed animal everyone makes fun of me for still sleeping with- as I try to slow my breath; my dog lays on my chest- we have been here too many times before- she knows exactly what to do; the more days that pass- the more I realize everything he has taken from me; the anger sits somewhere inside of me; each night I will add another step to the ritual; each night I will check the lock one more time than I did the night before; each night I will hate him a little bit more for making me do all of this; each night I will hope that carrying out this ritual does not make me more of a victim; I will hope that when I see him in my dreams tonight- this time I will finally learn how to run.

Dark Days

It was the first real day of summer; there was not a cloud in the sky and everything seemed to be going just right; when you asked me how I could still be sad on days like this- I knew my depression would always be a burden to you- my anxiety an unwanted guest; I do not know how to explain to you that so many days are dark days for me; they consume me whole as they tell me I am not important; which is to say- I do not always know why I am here; one day you ask me why I cannot just go back to the way I used to be; the problem is- I do not quite know who that is anymore; on my darkest days- the rain forests move into my heart; all the thunder cracks in my chest- as forest fires erupt in my stomach; all of the water in the world takes over my own body- drowning me in my own thoughts; on these days- my own bones turn against me- the unwanted voices do not stop; on my dark days- I am not asking you to fix me; I do not need you to tell me not to worry or to not be sad; I do not need you to play god- because that is too much to ask of the both of us; we both know this depression and anxiety are here to stay- even if you cannot accept that; when the dark days come- and I promise you they are going to come- all I need is for you to sit with me- to please just accept my sadness for what it is; to offer me a life raft- but please, do not be mad when I do not always want to take it; to ask me where does the quiet live; and how long will it take to get us there.

When Light Fades To Dark

Every morning the bright yellow ball caresses the earth- demanding everyone to be aware of its existence; always rising in the east and setting in the west- its presence will forever be counted on; but- with light- always follows darkness; when the light begins to fade- the darkness will shortly follow; this darkness creeps in ever so slightly; until- all in an instant there is nothing but blackness surrounding you; but- when the light fades to dark- there is one thing you can always count on; the magnificent ball of light will always rise again; and the beauty it beholds will take everyone’s breath away all over again.

Wilted Soul

She felt like a flower wilted and alone- the way he undressed her with a single look; she felt like a flower- one that had been picked and left to die- he knew all of her insecurities and made sure to make them visible to every eye; she felt like a flower- but not the kind that everyone loves- he made her unlovable- yet she lusted after him even so; she felt like a flower- but not like a rose whose beauty is always alluring- he has taken all of her beauty as he touches her without care; she felt like a flower- whose petals have been ripped off one by one- he has taken every piece of her; including her soul; she felt like a flower- yet not so much anymore- he has taken the garden inside of her; leaving her vacant- with nothing but shattered petals- surrounding her whole.

The Books Save Me all Over Again

Books have been the safest home I have ever known; when I read I can be anything I want- the outside world no longer matters; I open a book and it casts away all of the darkness the universe holds in its fists; as I read I find myself in the details- through books I find the strength in being quiet- I find the strength in being who I am- you see, the books never judge me for who I was or what I am or who I will be; they open their pages for all of me; I cast forth my hopes into these books and let the pages hold them as a prayer; reading has become my religion because these books are the only thing that can keep me safe from my own mind; when my body is no longer the safe place I want it to be- I drop to my knees and worship my bookshelf as I search for the story of a girl like me; my body dissolves into the words each night begging to be a part of something- pleading for someone or something to understand me; I read a book about a girl who is lost; two about a girl who has been raped; I absorb the words as best I can- I store them in my bones throughout my body; each night as I open a book the pages tell me- welcome home, we have been waiting for you- and together we will save you all over again.

Maybe

Maybe you are as strong as other people think you are. Maybe at night it doesn’t feel like it-and maybe it never really does feel like you and strength can be one and the same, but just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that others can’t either. Maybe you do believe that no one will ever love you- but it is possible that they already do. Maybe what other people think does matter; maybe what other people think is what’s keeping you out of the grave; maybe- just maybe.