What is safety- if not an illusion of what will never be; it is a light on the horizon; a flame that will never quite catch; when he breaks into you- steals your soul right from your chest- you will be left weeping silently; as the room you have come to name solace- holds all of the pain within you; every time you close your eyes- you will see his face; you will feel his touch; sometimes you will cry- and that is okay- even when others tell you it is not; he will do things to you that you will never be able to utter to another being; fight, flight, freeze; become the songs of your emptiness; the shame will follow you everywhere for a while- she will be what wakes you in the night; healing will begin with a soft forgiveness; not for him- you will never have to forgive him if you do not want to- even if others tell you that you do; especially if others tell you that you do; every day you wake- those first moments in the morning- when you remember the truth of it all for the first time that day- those moments will be the worst; but you will get through them- even when you do not believe you can; each day will be scary and hard- it will feel like a battle you were never prepared to fight; but you will do it all again; oh how you will do it all again; let your body fall apart if it needs to; just never forget to pick yourself up again; and most importantly- the most important thing to remember- is this is your life- not his- not anyone else’s; this is your body- not once did it ever belong to him- or anyone else who believes they have a say in it.
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I practice saying: I forgive you- in the mirror over and over again; I do not really want to forgive him for everything he did to me- nor do I really have to forgive him; but sometimes forgiveness helps with survival; sometimes it is the only thing that will keep your heart beating; I imagine what it would be like to not be a victim; I question if I am even a victim at all; I talk to the moon in the darkness of the night; lay all of my secrets bare for her; the world is falling apart around me; I feel it falling apart within me as well; I dial the number to the rape hotline- hang up after the first ring; how can I describe to someone else what I am feeling- when I am not even sure what I am feeling myself; I dial again- hang up on the second ring- because I know they will ask me the question I dread the most; the question every single therapist and counselor I have ever spoken to has asked me; the question that always brings the conversation to a halt; the question that almost always makes me want to hang up; the question- what can I do for you in this moment- is there anything I can do right now to help; the simple answer is- I do not know; I do not know what I need- or what I want- or how to live one more second in a mind that seems so determined to hurt me; I do not know how to get to safety- or where it lives- or how long it will take to get there; I look down at the number once more; hover my finger above it for another few seconds; turn off the phone; look up at the moon- beg her to please watch over me tonight; I whisper- I forgive you- over and over again; as I will sleep to come save me; I am not sure if I am begging for forgiveness for myself; or if I am still trying to forgive him.
Book Review: Into the Water
Into the Water by Paula Hawkins was not the best thriller I ever read, but I still really enjoyed it. It kept me guessing the entire time, I found the plot to be interesting, and the characters were well written. I also loved the older stories that were mixed in with what was currently happening.
One day a single mother turns up dead at the bottom of the river that runs through town. Earlier in the summer, a teenage girl had met the same fate. Unfortunately, these are not the first women who have been lost to this water. These deaths disturb the river and bring up history and secrets that have been submerged for a long time.
I love a good thriller and this one did not disappoint. Throughout the entire novel I kept second guessing things and trying to figure it out myself, but I was unable to. Right when I felt I had it figured out something else would happen. I also loved that the story was told from multiple points of view. I enjoy hearing things from everyone’s perspective because it always adds another layer to the story.
I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. I would highly recommend it if you have not read it yet. It had a lot of strong characters, the plot was well thought out, and the overall writing was very good and was able to keep my attention. I found it to be a good summer read.
Book Review: The Scarlet Dress
The Scarlet Dress by Louise Douglas honestly surprised me with how much I enjoyed it. For some reason I was just not really anticipating much going into it, but I was pleasantly surprised with how much I liked it. It even made me go on and read more books by Louise Douglas.
Twenty five years ago, Alice Lang was wearing her favorite scarlet dress when she disappeared. It was the summer of 1995, Alice Lang was 22, and she rented a caravan on a holiday park on the outskirts of the holiday resort, Severn Sands. Alice befriended Marnie, who was a shy little girl, whose father is the parks caretaker, and her mother died a few months earlier. Will, whose mother runs the bar in Severn Sands, ends up falling in love with Alice, and becomes jealous of anyone else she is with. Tensions begin to rise and one evening Alice disappears from her caravan. She is never seen again. Only her scarlet dress is found when it washes up on the shore. Now, it is many years later and Alice’s body has been found.They must now string together secrets of the past to find out what happened to Alice.
This book was so interesting to me for some reason. There was just something about it that hooked me in right from the beginning. I enjoyed all of the characters, I felt like the writing was really strong, and I loved the way the story developed. I was invested from the beginning and that does not always happen in a book. It was not only about what happened to Alice, but also about the lives of all the other people living in the holiday park, which I really enjoyed.
I gave this book 4/5 stars. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has not read it. It is also included on Kindle Unlimited, which is a plus. I am so glad I decided to read it. The cover instantly drew me in and made me want to see what the book was about. I look forward to reading even more of Louise Douglas’ novels.
Book Review: Too Late
I don’t even really know where to begin with Too Late by Colleen Hoover. After reading a lot of books by her I have discovered that her novels are always a hit or miss for me, and this one was a complete miss. I considered not even finishing it multiple times, but there was a part of me that was just curious enough to keep to going so I could find out what was going to happen.
Sloan is the type of person who will do anything for the people she loves. Every day she goes through hell with her boyfriend, Asa Jackson. He is dangerous and morally corrupt. Sloan continues to do whatever she can to make it through, until she is able to find a way out. But then one day Carter shows up, and he changes everything for Sloan. To Asa, Sloan is the best thing to ever happen to him, and he will not let anyone or anything, take her away from him. Asa does everything he can to stay one step ahead in business and one step ahead of Sloan and he will not let anything get in his way, including Carter.
The first thing I want to add, is a warning for domestic violence, and sexual assault. That is a huge proponent of this novel, and I wish I would have seen a warning before I started reading this book. This was quite possibly the worst book I have ever read. I have read quite a few of Colleen Hoover’s novels, so I know she is a good author and that I have enjoyed her books in the past, so this is not anything against her. This book was just not good. First off, there were super graphic sex scenes, which I would actually call rape scenes, and I felt like that didn’t need to be there. I am not a prude, or morally objected to sex in books, but this just took it too far, in my opinion. Secondly, the writing just seemed all over the place to me and the characters didn’t seem fully thought out. One of my biggest problems with this novel though, is I don’t believe this is the type of book, that people who have been though domestic violence or sexual assault, want out there to portray what those relationships are like. It almost seemed like it was mocking domestic violence, abuse, and sexual assault in a way. It just didn’t sit right with me.
I gave this book 1/5 stars. I would give it less if possible. Obviously, I had a lot of issues with it and I wish the novel would have been thought out a little bit better. I wouldn’t recommend this book. I don’t think it is worth it and Colleen Hoover has much better books out there and I don’t think anyone needs to waste their time with this one.
May Reading Wrap-Up
It is officially June, so this post is dedicated to all of the books I read in May. Unfortunately, I did not read that many books. For whatever reason I was just having a hard time getting into reading last month. I have high hopes for June though! In May I read 7 books. I really enjoyed all 7. I don’t think I disliked any of them. The 7 books I read in May were:
- Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
- Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery
- Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
- Magpie Murders by Anthony Horowitz
- The Book of Cold Cases by Simone St. James
- The Scarlet Dress by Louise Douglas
- Circle of Doubt by Tracy Buchanan
Of these 7 books my favorite was Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. That is shortly followed by Anne of Green Gables though because that is a classic. I have the box set of the Anne of Green Gables series and I haven’t read them since I was younger, so I decided to work my way through it and am currently reading the third one now. I would also highly recommend The Book of Cold Cases this was my second book of Simone St. James and I cannot wait to read more stuff by her.
I wouldn’t categorize any of the books I read this month as not worth it, or say any of them were not for me. I enjoyed all of them. My least favorite would have to be Circle of Doubt by Tracy Buchanan, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. I would recommend all of the books on this list. I really look forward to seeing what I will read in June. So far this year I have read 46 books!
Gaslighting
It was supposed to be some sort of an apology; it started out as an apology-but somewhere along the way it turned into a list of things that is wrong with me; the sink has been dripping throughout this entire conversation- the longer the conversation goes on- the louder the sink seems to drip; you are getting closer and closer to me; your breath is hot on my face- and I cannot pinpoint the exact smell- but I do not like it; I am staring at the wall behind you- it is not particularly interesting- but it is better than staring into your eyes; a flicker of flames seem to be dancing inside of them; in this moment your eyes hold so much hatred; I do not remember ever seeing love in your eyes; I am sure it was there at some point- but it must have been long ago; thunder is rolling in the distance as wind whips across the trees; I do not see a way out of whatever this is; I can feel my lip quivering; I berate myself in my head for showing even the slightest sign of weakness; like an animal- I know you can smell fear.
My Body: Maybe My Choice?
The world collectively goes to sleep- as my nightmares cast shadows on the walls; tonight- the same as so many other nights- I am completely alone; last night- I dyed a strip of my hair- hoping to reclaim a part of myself; tonight- I will dye another- hoping this tiny act of rebellion will help me claim my body back; it is funny- yet not funny at all- that the only thing separating me from him- are these streaks of blonde and blue throughout my hair; the only thing separating me from him- are my tattoos and my piercings; because in all of these- I had a choice; choice- the most important thing a human can have; while the world falls asleep- I will be planning out the next way I will be able to make a choice about my own body; I will watch as my nightmares play out in front of me; tomorrow- I will belong to no one and everyone.
I am Everything (And Nothing)
*April is an important month to me. Not only is it National Poetry Month, but it is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. These two events collide in my world in an unfortunate way, but I am taking that pain and turning it in to something, that I hope in a way, can be beautiful. I am also taking control of what happened every time I write a poem. I know that what I write is not for everyone and I respect that, but I hope people can respect me and understand why I am writing these poems. Thank you to those who read and support my poetry and have nothing but positive things to say.*
Tonight when I cry the whole world will fall to its knees; tonight everyone will know the pain I feel; behind these walls I know I am nothing- but I try to pretend I am everything; when I cry tonight I will not promise myself this will be the last time; there is no shame in crying; no shame in reaching deep into yourself and prying out the broken; when I cry- do not tell me everything is okay- because nothing is okay right now; right now- my body needs to fall apart- in order to put herself back together; tonight- my body belongs to me- I will cherish every second she belongs solely to myself; the walls surround me; create a false hope of safety; the world outside is so big; behind these walls I know I am nothing- but I try to pretend I am everything.
Book Review: The Block Party
If you love a summer drama then you will love The Block Party by Jamie Day. This story is packed full with drama and ends with a murder. Well, technically, it starts with a murder, but you don’t find out anything about the murder until the end. The whole book has you enthralled with all of the drama, but also leaves you guessing the whole time about who could have been murdered and why?
Alton Road is an exclusive cul-de-sac where the residents really only interact with each other. Every year they have an annual summer block party, but this years block party ends with someone murdered. In order to figure out who and why, the story needs to go back to last years block party and start from there. From there you will see just how many secret each resident on Alton Road is hiding.
I loved that right away you knew someone was murdered, but did not find out who until the very end of the book. It kept me engaged throughout the whole novel. I kept having ideas about who it could have been or who maybe did it, but in the end I was still a little shocked at who it was and how it played out. Every character was dealing with their own problems and it was interesting to watch how it all played out.
I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. I thought it was a good read, but it just wasn’t the best book I ever read. I did really enjoy it though and found it to be a good September read. It was a good book to end the summer with. If you like mysteries and thrillers and just a good summer read, I would definitely recommend this book!
September Reading Wrap-Up
Now that it is officially October, this post is dedicated to my September reads! I read a lot of great books in September. It was honestly my best month of the whole year. I read multiple five star books. Here are the 8 books I read in September:
- We’ll Always Have Summer by Jenny Han
- The Five Star Weekend by Elin Hilderbrand
- The Love of My Life by Rosie Walsh
- The Turn of the Key by Ruth Ware
- Adelaide by Genevieve Wheeler
- The Block Party by Jamie Day
- The Starfish Sisters by Barbara O’Neal
- The Lost Apothecary by Sarah Penner
Of these eight books it is really hard to choose a favorite. To me, The Turn of the Key, Adelaide, The Starfish Sisters, and The Lost Apothecary were all five star books. I loved everything about them. From the plot through to the characters. I would recommend any of those books in a second. If you like thrillers, I would recommend either The Turn of the Key or The Lost Apothecary. If you like contemporary fiction, I would recommend Adelaide or The Starfish Sisters. You really cannot go wrong with any of those books though.
My least favorite read of the month was We’ll Always Have Summer. I am glad I read it, especially since I read the first two books in the series, but it just wasn’t my favorite book I ever read. If you are reading the series I do think it is worth reading. If you like YA novels than I do think you would enjoy the series.
Overall, this was a fantastic month for reading! I read some of the best books I ever read. I was in a bit of a reading slump, but these books pulled me out of it and made me want to keep reading more and more. I am looking forward to seeing how many books I get through in October!
Book Review: The Turn of the Key
I was in a bit of a reading slump, but then I read The Turn of the Key by Ruth Ware, and it absolutely changed everything! I could not put the book down. As soon as I started it I was sucked right in. It quickly became one of my favorite reads of the year. It was the thriller I had been waiting for to suck me out of the reading slump I was stuck in.
Rowan Caine comes across an ad she cannot ignore. It is for a live in nanny that has a huge salary. It is not even remotely what Rowan was looking for, but how could she pass this opportunity up? When Rowan arrives at the Heatherbrae House, she is immediately enthralled, and maybe a little freaked out. Rowan has no idea what awaits her though. Her future now holds a dead child and her in prison for the murder. Rowan is writing a letter to a lawyer explaining the story of what happened. She is desperately hoping he will help her because no one believes her, but she swears she did not kill this child.
This book was just one turn after another. Right when I thought I had things figured out something else would come along and change the course again. I opened this book and I could hardly put it down! All of the characters were so interesting and I just wanted to figure them out. It felt like every single character was holding a huge secret. Between the writing, the plot, and the characters, this was one of my best reads this year!
I gave this book 5/5 stars. I absolutely loved it. From beginning to end I was hooked in. I never got bored throughout the novel and I never was able to figure anything out until it was revealed. It has definitely made its way into my top five favorite reads of the year!
Book Review: The Love of My Life
It only took me about a day to read The Love of My Life by Rosie Walsh. I was hooked from the beginning. There were a lot of twists and turns and right when I would think I had it figured out, something else would happen and it would bring the novel in a whole other direction. I could not bring myself to put it down and I just wanted to finish it, so I could finally figure everything out.
Leo is an obituary writer. Emma is a marine biologist who is well known. When Emma suffers from a serious illness, Leo copes by researching and writing about Emma’s life. The more he digs into Emma’s life, the more he realizes everything Emma has ever told him is a lie. She has even lied about her name. As the darkest moments of Emma’s past are coming to light, she must prove to Leo she really is who Leo thinks she is, but she also must tell him about the other love of her life.
This book took me on a wild ride. Every time I thought I figured things out, something else would happen. It was just so unpredictable and I love when a thriller mystery can do that. It was not until the end of the novel that I knew what was going on. It was all just so different from any other thriller I have ever read. I also really liked the characters. They were all likeable and real. I found myself rooting for them all and wanting the best for all of them.
I gave this book 4.5/5 stars. I would highly highly recommend this book. Especially if you like thrillers and mystery. I am not kidding when I say I almost finished it in one night. I desperately needed to go to sleep, which is the only reason I did not finish it in one sitting. I have been in a bit of a reading slump lately and this book completely helped me slip out of it. It was a fast paced read and it just flowed so well. If you are looking for a good thriller to read I highly recommend The Love of My Life by Rosie Walsh.
Book Review: The Five Star Weekend
The Five star Weekend by Elin Hilderbrand was such a good read. I believe it is my favorite book by her so far. Usually, I find her books can get a little boring in the middle, but I did not feel that way with this book. I felt that there was more mystery added to this novel than her others. It was one of those books where I was trying to figure out how it was going to end, because it was getting really close to the end of the book, and there were so many things not yet resolved.
Hollis Shaw decides to gather four friends from different phases in her life to spend a weekend with her on Nantucket. Hollis seems to have the perfect life and is the envy of many others. She runs a popular blog, has a daughter in college, and is married to a heart surgeon. One day Hollis and her husband, Matthew, get into a heated argument. It is a snowy morning and Matthew leaves for the airport with things unresolved. On his way to the airport Matthew gets in an accident and dies instantly. After her husbands death, Hollis is really struggling. She decides to gather four friends and host something called a “Five Star Weekend”. This novel is a story of friendship, hardship, life, and love. Hollis hopes this weekend will be able to pull her back to life and give her the strength she desperately needs to enjoy life once again.
I loved this book from the moment I started it. I instantly like Hollis. I found her to be extremely relatable and likeable. I also found all of the other characters to be well written. They seemed so real and this group reminded me of a real group of friends. All the different personalities coming together reminded me so much of actual friend groups I have been involved in. Also, the twist in this book was so well written.
I gave this book 4/5 stars. It was by far my favorite Elin Hilderbrand book I have read, so far. This book made me excited to read even more books by her. I would highly recommend this book. Especially if you have previously read books by this author and enjoyed them. I honestly was sad to get to the end of Hollis’s story. I wanted to keep following her along on her journey.
Book Review: We’ll Always Have Summer
We’ll Always Have Summer is the third and final book in The Summer I turned Pretty series. I found this book to be a great finisher. It wrapped everything up and it also kept you guessing throughout the entire novel. It is not until the very end that everything falls together and becomes finalized.
Two years ago, Conrad told Belly to be with Jeremiah. He essentially told Belly to just forget about him. Ever since then Jeremiah and Belly have been inseparable. Even going to the same college. Jeremiah ends up making a horrible mistake and promises Belly he will never do it again. Now, Belly has to decide if she really has a future with Jeremiah. Or, is Conrad really the one she is meant to be with.
This book was very different from the first two in the series. There were more characters added in, that I do believe, ultimately added to the plot. You could see the growth between Belly and Jeremiah and even the growth between Belly and Conrad. I spent a majority of the book mad at Belly, but I also understood she was only 19. I would say this one was probably my least favorite of the three books. I do think it was necessary though, to really help wrap everything up.
I gave this book 3/5 stars. I found myself getting a little bored throughout. I felt like the problems did not really evolve. It was basically the same problem throughout the novel and it became a bit repetitive. I was happy with how it all ended though. I would recommend to read this book if you have read the first two. It helped finalize everything and brought closure to the story of Belly, Jeremiah, and Conrad.
Book Review: It’s Not Summer Without You
It’s Not Summer Without You is the second book following The Summer I Turned Pretty. For me personally, I find second books usually to be kind of boring. I usually am missing the feeling that the first book in a series provides. I did really like this book though. I thought it did a good job of representing the growth of Belly, Jeremiah, and Conrad.
This is the first year in Belly’s life that she will not be going to Cousins Beach. Belly used to always think summer was not really summer until she arrived to the house in Cousins Beach. This year everything changes though. After Susannah got sick again, they are not going to Cousins Beach this year. To Belly, this is the worst summer ever, and she wishes that she could just skip over it altogether. That is, until Jeremiah calls telling Belly Conrad has gone missing. Jeremiah and Belly head to the house at Cousins beach to try to make everything right again. Conrad, Jeremiah, spend what will probably be their last summer ever at the house on Cousins Beach. They just hope they can make it the best summer ever.
This book really dove into Belly’s relationships with Jeremiah and Conrad. She has a very different relationship with both of them, but she still loves them both. Belly is determined to save Conrad throughout this whole book. I kept having to remind myself she is only a teenager and love is new to her. I found myself frustrated with her at times because of her desperate need to save Conrad. I get it though. I think we have all loved someone in our life that you want to save, but simply cannot.
I gave this book 3/5 stars. I enjoyed it, but not as much as the first one. There were also times I was frustrated with Belly throughout the novel. Just a reminder this is a young adult novel. I am not saying that is a bad thing, it is just teenagers are going to love a lot differently than adults do. It was easy to be frustrated with the characters, but then also remember we were all 16/17 at one point. Overall, I would recommend to read it, if you have read the first one. It answered a lot of questions that I was left with after finishing the first one. On Friday, I will cover the third and final book of this series! I look forward to you all reading it!
Book Review: The Summer I Turned Pretty
I recently read one of the most talked about books turned tv series, The Summer I Turned Pretty, I read the whole series actually. I actually remember reading this book many years ago. I did not even remember it until it became a television series. I decided to go back and reread it to see if I would like it as much as I did when I first read it. Obviously, I am not the same person I was in high school. Especially, early high school. I still enjoyed it though. It is a sweet read and entertaining. This week I am going to be reviewing all three books, starting today with, The Summer I Turned Pretty.
Every summer, Belly, spends June-August, at a beach house in Cousins. Belly, her mom, her brother Steven, her mom’s best friend, Susannah, and her two sons, Jeremiah, and Conrad stay at their summer house there. Summer has always been Belly’s favorite time. This summer everything changes though. It seems Belly’s school girl crushes on Jeremiah and Conrad, may actually be reciprocated and this summer is the beginning may be the beginning of a whole new life.
This book contains lots of young love, family drama, and just regular drama of being a teenager. I found it to be a fun story and an easy read. I enjoyed all of the characters and felt the plot moved at a perfect pace. It was kind of a typical young adult novel. I really did enjoy it though. I found Belly to be likeable and believable.
I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. It was well written, the characters had depth to them, and I thought the plot was intriguing and well thought out. I feel it is a really good book for kids in middle school and high school. When I read it in high school I remember really enjoying it. It is really a sweet read and I think most girls will be able to relate to Belly. I also cried at times throughout the novel. There were some really heavy moments sprinkled throughout. Overall, I did enjoy it. I would not hesitate to recommend it to someone who enjoys young adult novels.
Book Review: The True Love Experiment
The True Love Experiment by Christina Lauren was such a good love story. I was hooked from the beginning to end. I am not always a fan of romance novels. That is actually an understatement. I usually loathe romance novels. I find myself rolling my eyes and fighting my way through them. Over time I have began to like them a lot more and I absolutely loved this one. I felt like there was actually depth to it and it was not overly mushy or cheesy.
Felicity or, Fizzy, Chen, is a famous romance novelist. She has been in quite a rut for a while now with her writing and her love life. Connor Prince is a documentary film maker. He is very passionate about his work. Connor chose to relocate and work for a production company to be near his daughter. The production company has now decided they want to switch over to producing reality tv instead of wildlife documentaries. Connor enlists the help of Fizzy to set up a Hollywood love story that everyone will be rooting for. Connor sets up a cast of the “perfect” matches for Fizzy and lets the world vote on the man she should be with. The only problem is, Fizzy and Connor end up falling in love.
I absolutely loved Connor and Fizzy. these two characters were so well written and had such depth to them. Fizzy was not some damsel in distress looking for someone to save her. And Connor was not a guy who is looking to save a woman or who is constantly relying on a woman to make him happy. That right there automatically makes it a great read for me. I also loved the whole reality tv feel. It made it feel so much more realistic for some reason.
I gave this book 4.5/5 stars. I found it to be such a good book. It was a great summer read and I had a hard time putting it down. I fell in love with all of the characters and the whole story was so different from any other romance novel I have ever read. If you love romance novels I would highly recommend this one.
Book Review: The Hotel Nantucket
Summertime is the best time to read any book by Elin Hilderbrand. Her books are fantastic beach reads and with summer coming to an end I went on a bit of a binge with her books. The Hotel Nantucket did not disappoint as another great summer read from her. There were ghost stories and love stories beautifully entwined, and, of course, the novel takes place in the summer on Nantucket.
In 1922 a fire in a hotel ended up killing the 19 year old chambermaid, Grace Hadley. After the fire, The Hotel Nantucket never really recovered. For a long time it was an abandoned building that no one wanted to touch. That is, until a London billionaire, Xavier Darling, decides to purchase the hotel. Xavier brings on Lizbet Keaton, Nantucket’s “sweetheart”, to be the general manager of the hotel. Lizbet hires a great staff, although very inexperienced. Grace Hadley continues to haunt the hotel in order to get the true story revealed.
I found this whole story to be really interesting. I loved all of the characters and the way each story interwove together. There were many layers to the story and all of the characters throughout the novel. I also loved the small little twist at the end. I honestly did not really see it coming. With most of Elin Hilderbrand’s books, I do find that I get a bit bored in the middle. I tend to lean towards thrillers though, so it is not anything against her writing.
I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. I really enjoyed the book as a whole. I just found it to be a bit slow in the middle. Sometimes, I felt as if there was some information that did not really need to be added. I did find the character development and the overall plot to be very well done. I genuinely liked every character and I liked the underlying ghost story that took place throughout. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who likes a good beach read, or contemporary fiction. There are love stories, drama, and ghost stories. I look forward to reading more books by Elin Hilderbrand.
Book Review: Summer Island
It has been a long time since a book has made me sob as hard as Summer Island by Kristin Hannah did. I am talking full on sobbing. I was crying so hard I could barely see the pages at the end of the book. The novel was heart breakingly beautiful (Cliche I know, but it truly was). The characters were well written, the plot was well thought out, and the overall feel of how hard life can be was portrayed extremely well.
Nora Bridge walked out on her marriage years ago, leaving behind her daughters. She is now a famous talk show host and has not spoken to her daughter, Ruby, in over a decade. Ruby is a comedienne who is struggling financially, and she uses her mom as the material for most of her jokes. A scandal from Nora’s past becomes exposed, and Ruby is offered to write a tell-all article about her mother, for a large amount of money. Ruby returns to the family’s home on Summer Island, to spend time with her mother, in order to get the article just right. Instead, Ruby becomes faced with many memories of the past, and the realization that her mother is human too, and maybe not the terrible person she believed she was, all these years.
From the beginning of the book, I was not really sure where it was headed. There were more characters than I anticipated and more intricate side stories throughout the novel than I anticipated. Overall, I really enjoyed the book. Every character had a place, and all the side stories helped the plot move along beautifully. I ended up falling in love with each of the characters and was able to feel all of their pain throughout the novel.
I ended up giving this novel 3.5/5 stars. I would have given it 5 stars, but due to some editing mistakes I simply couldn’t. I thought the novel was wonderfully written, but there were a couple of editing mistakes I just could not move past. There was one major one towards the beginning of the book that I could not ignore, because it ended up ruining a moment later on in the book. I loved the plot though and would absolutely not hesitate to recommend the book to anyone. If you like literary fiction or contemporary fiction, I highly recommend this novel.
My Silence and the Moon
The world will leave you behind if you do not fit into it; the moon though- she will always pay attention; she will love you through the brokenness; she will follow you through the abandonment; my voice will forever fail me- but the moon will not mind; she will not anger because of my silence; there appears to be a sleeping beast in everyone- my silence the key to awakening; he touched me and took everything from me; he moved inside of me and took my voice away with him; I lie in the loneliness of it all; my silence a religion I was baptized into without a choice; I stare into the bleakness willing someone to understand- my voice is gone- I am worried it may never come back; I pray this time my silence will not bring any beast to life; I hope someone will understand this silence; people say my silence speaks volumes; I just do not think it is speaking the same language everyone seems to believe in; there never seems to be a right way for trauma to come to life; the moon my only companion; the only one who never seems to expect anything from me; my body betraying me once again as she locks all of the words inside; when someone demands me to speak- I see his face; the world goes black; my breath gone; the beast is coming to life in front of me; I fail to keep the terror away; everyday I find more and more things he has taken from me; maybe one day I will no longer fear everyone who has control over their voice; maybe one day I will no longer fear the ones who demand to hear mine; I search for the moon in the night; she whispers to me that everything will be okay; I breathe in her light until my breath is steady; as my tears slow I sit with the moon; I know even without hearing my voice- she is listening to every word I am saying; the moon does not demand anything from me; she will not care if I never speak another word again; I fall asleep under the moonlight- in this moment I know- this is the safest I will ever feel.
The Moon Shines Her Light
I attempt to forget you and escape you all at once; I will show you the wounds you have caused- but will no longer expect you to help them heal; I am hopeful- but not naive; I have been naive way too many times before; I am lying in my bed with you right next to me- and the world has never felt more lonely; these walls surrounding us hold the loneliness; these walls have seen way too much pain; these walls have been the home of all of this pain; I try to not be jealous of the love I see you give to others; I try to be understanding of all of the times you have hurt me; you say it so often I am beginning to believe- maybe you really do think you are helping me; the first time my body was taken from me- it happened so slow- yet so fast at the same time; your body so big compared to mine; I kept those clothes hidden in the back of my closet- too afraid to throw them away- but too afraid to ever wear them again; I try to scrub away any memories of you- but cannot seem to let go of it completely; thoughts of suicide become a kick-drum in my brain; who wants to live in a world- when all of the beauty has been taken out of it; the moon loves me through the darkness; it took me a long time to learn love is not supposed to hurt; I am still learning that when I say no- and even when I do not- it is supposed to mean something- it does mean something; I like to think the moon taught me all of this; the moon shows me- when bad things are not happening to me- I still exist; after my body is taken from me- the moon waits for me in the dark- she holds all the space in the universe for my sadness; when the moon begins to ignite the sky at dusk- I like to believe she is calling my name; sometimes- it is nice to know there is something out there that can break up the darkness; in some lights we all look the same- he no longer resembles a monster- I no longer his victim; there are so many days where it feels like everyone knows exactly what happened; like a chandelier where crystals shine in the light- my secrets shine in the sun; my brokenness on display for all; he told me no one would believe me- now there are days I do not always believe it myself; no one teaches you how to grieve the loss of your own body- but as a girl you are taught many different ways to prepare for it; which only makes the weight of the blame heavier; I should have fought more; I should have said no; I should have done something; because then- and only then- this really would not be- my fault; I tell the moon to wait for me; one day soon I will be with her; for now- she continues to shine her light on me in the darkness; she continues to be the only one who knows the whole truth; the moon is the only one there- to break up all of this darkness.
Congruent
I told the moon about you; that is how I know all of this is real; your love waited for me at my doorstep- it was not forceful- it was gentle and patient; at least, that is how it started; one night- the moon warned me about you; she told me your love was not genuine; she told me to be careful; I ignored her warnings- because how great it would feel to finally be loved; the moon knows more than anyone- because she shines her light through my windows in the darkest hours- she is the only one who can see the destruction going on inside; one night I am crying- and I swear her light shines brighter- she reminds me- even when I am alone- I am never really alone; one day- I watch their love walk out the door- never to return again; I do not know why I spend so much time waiting for it to come back; why I thought if I just gave them my body; maybe that would finally make them love me; my hopes of congruency flicker through the halls; they haunt all of my dreams; to be congruent with your home- is to be loved; my home and my body are the two things I should have complete control over- yet never seem too; the shame corners me in every room; every where I turn there are reminders of everything they have done; every part of me they have touched- has died in some way; when I told the moon what was going on inside the walls of my body- she listened to every word I said without judgement; when I told the moon about the weight of the shame- how most days it is simply just too heavy to carry- she did not blame me for it; the moon saves me night after night; when the world feels too much; when the weight of everything is just too heavy; her light reminds me she is out there- there is more out there; when I cry tonight- I know the moon will be there; when I show her the bruises- I know she will not run away; the moon will help me hold on for another night; and another night; and hopefully every night after that; the moon will help me see there is so much more to the world; she will guide me to a place- where everything will finally be- congruent.
Redemption
It is my body against yours; always has been; forever you will win; grind my bones to nothing; I fight for the redemption; fight to one day belong completely and wholly to myself; this fight feels like an impossible dream; the reminder of you is a throb throughout my body; a dull pain- a forgetfulness- questioning how and where the pain even started in the first place; I hope my body will one day forgive me for everything I have put her through; I hope she will forgive me- for everything I have not stopped you from doing; you enter- I watch the fight leave my body; I watch her disappear into nothing; I watch while the whole world forgets I exist; inside of these walls- I am nothing; my soul floats above me- I send her into the clouds; hide her away from the pain that will inevitably ensue; sometimes, it takes the sky to remind you that life is worth living; when the moon and sun live in unity; when the clouds remind you- you are home now; there are days I am just as scared of dying- as I am of living; I yield to the pain you provide; sending all of my bones to sacrifice myself- for your protection; there is a river not far from here- where the truths of all you have done- float through; I write the truths to the river- let her stream help carry the weight of these secrets; these secrets hold everything I have lost; everything my body has lost; I worship the apologies you lay on my body; find redemption for myself in your forgiveness; it is my body against yours; always has been; forever you will win.
Pride Month
So many people question why I never said anything; it always feels to simple to say- I really did not know; we bottled these moments not knowing how important they would be later; I wonder what our goodbye would have looked like; had we only had the chance; after that year together I could not go anywhere without thinking about her; our love was all hidden- which sometimes made it seem so much more real; most of our time together was spent hiding in her car; because neither of us had yet to come out; we hid our love in the closet along with all of the secrets we had both hidden in for years; our secrets tracing us back to each other; our secrets connecting us in a way- sometimes it felt we were the same; the irony of her dying on the second to last night of pride month has never been lost on me; it was the month we were supposed to be celebrating who we are; the month we were supposed to be proud of who we are; the month we were supposed to be celebrating our love; it was not the month she was supposed to die; the month she was supposed to die should not have come for many more years; the first time she told me she loved me- I knew she meant it; it took me longer to tell her- but when I told her I loved her I meant it too; I had never been more sure of anything in my whole life; she is the only person I have ever given my body to willingly; one afternoon we sat in her car talking about all of the things we would do if we were not scared to be who we are; the freedom we both felt in that moment could be felt throughout her entire car; the freedom echoed through the empty parking lot we were sitting in; I told her I could not wait to one day experience that freedom; she asked me what happens if we never do; the silence that fell over us reverberated throughout the car; quietly I told her- I was still proud of who I was; she smiled as she grabbed my hand and told me she was too; she died two nights later; the pressure of the whole world just became too much for her; I play our last moments together over and over trying to figure out if I missed something; trying to figure out how I really did not know; I think about that one afternoon in her car often; I hope she got the freedom that she always dreamt of; I hope now she is celebrating in the biggest pride parades there are; no longer afraid or ashamed of who she is; in the same way I am no longer afraid or ashamed of who I am.
The Shame this Body Inherits
I stare at my body in the mirror; tracing all of the parts of me I hate; I take all of the negative comments that have been laid on me- and carry them like my life depends on it; when the night comes- I will not cry like I usually do; I will not think of all of the ways I can try to morph myself into looking like someone else; anyone else; when I catch anyone staring at the scars on my back- I will pretend to not notice; when the woman tells me I could be so pretty- if it were not for the acne- I pretend I will not cry myself to sleep that night; when someone else comments on the excess hair on my body- I start to shave myself from head to toe; a ritual I do everyday- but pretend not too; a ritual I think is so fucked up I have to even do it in the first place- but am too scared not to; one night I stand in front of the mirror for twenty minutes trying to figure out if I have cellulite or not; trying to figure out why I am so ashamed to have a body; when they laugh at my body- I know this shame is something I will live with forever; when the doctor told me I had polycystic ovary syndrome- I was not surprised the first emotion I felt was shame; before I can even process the diagnosis- the doctor is telling me all of the things I can do to help prevent weight gain; the doctor tells me to be thankful that at least for now I am thin- because that might help me out in the long-run; people wonder why women are so full of rage; the diagnosis had barely slipped through the doctors lips before I was being lectured on weight I may or may not gain; as if that would be the worst thing to come out of all of this; one night I trace the scars on my back; one night I decide to only shave the hair that I want to shave; I am slowly taking my body back; there are days I still do not want it; there are days where all I can see is what is wrong with it; where all I can feel is what he did to me; but I have some days now- where I am not so ashamed of it; when they laugh at my body- I will try to not hear their laughter as the truth; I will try to not let the shame live in the home they have built; Instead I will work on building my own home.
Convincing Love
It was the night where I convinced myself that this is what love is supposed to feel like; the more I convince myself this is all okay- the less I question how wrong this all feels; there is so much chaos running through us; so much anger filling up all of the empty spaces in the room; when I am with you- I watch my body float above us- I watch it fly away into the sky as I hope it comes back for me one day; this love feels like a giant ending I never even knew I wanted to begin; one night my dog gets stung by a bee; I drop the jar I am holding- glass flying everywhere as I run to her; she runs just as fast to me; we meet in the middle as she jumps into my arms and lays her head on my shoulder; it was in this moment that I realized the love you give- is wrong; because when someone you love is hurt- you will never blame them for the pain; even if it is their fault; instead- you will do everything in your power to help stop it; above all- when you love someone- you will never hurt them and label it as love; label it a sacrifice; label it as a necessary pain; that is not what love is supposed to be; amidst all of this turmoil is where real love used to lie; one night I cry in your arms; you do not say anything- you just let me cry; and in this moment it really feels like you love me; and in this moment the confusion comes back full force; in this moment I convince myself- you really do love me; I convince myself this is what love is supposed to feel like; I convince myself this is all okay.
Narrative on Love
*Updated Version of The Words That Create Us
We are lying together one night- I notice her staring at the books piled on my nightstand and I know the questions that are about to come; I know she will never understand my love of reading- she will always make fun of me for it; she tells me I am reading my life away; she laughs as she tells me I act as if I can read myself into another life- I would be lying if I said I never tried; I collect books and follow them like a map- follow them until I am able to find myself; one night she rips a page out of my favorite book- she tells me she wants to keep it as a memory- each night she rips a new page out; it feels like she is ripping pieces out of my life; one day I write a poem for her; when she destroys that too- I do not know why I am surprised- why the sadness rolls over me like a wave in a lake that is usually so still; when I tell her I do not love her- she asks me if that is what the books are telling me to say- she says the books are giving me an unrealistic expectation of what life is supposed to be; she gets mad- accuses me of reading so much so I can become smarter than her; she tells me that no one will ever love me the way that she does; I know then- the lies she feeds me is what has been keeping us together; I have lost so much by loving her; when she tells me she does not think she loves me- I wonder why it seems to mean so much more when it is coming out of her mouth; why when I say it- it always seems to fall flat; my love for reading goes against the narrative she has created; the one where she is always smarter than me; the one where I am not supposed to have any thoughts of my own; there was a time I used to worship her love; I used to think her love would be what saved me; I still worship it to an extent; when the nights are long and lonely- I still wait for her love; I still look for it every night when the fear starts to move into my mind; I still hope it will one day feel like what I read it can feel like; words are what we are created from- they are what create us; which is why when she tells me no one will ever love me- I sometimes worry those words will become the last lines of my story- I worry she will create a truth from those words; maybe I am trying too hard to read myself into another life; the trouble is I will never be able to read her into a different person; no matter how many books I read- she still may never love me; and I may always love her too much.
This Grief
I search for home in places it does not live- I search for it in places it does not build; I have been searching ever since the day I lost my body- ever since the day my body was taken from me; this grief is unlike any other; the way it wraps itself around my heart and kisses my soul; this grief- it is an echo- a silence- a sound that never quite seems to be finished; I dissolve away into it- my body desperately begging to be mine- and mine alone- again; I see her staring at me one day- and I know we are thinking the same thing- I know we both see the broken pieces of myself I am leaving behind; she always is there to help me hide my body away- I know she is just as ashamed of it as I am; she collects the broken pieces of me- ties them up and hides them away in a dark closet; I wonder if she realizes- I was the one who was raped- not her; she has always seemed to be so good at erasing my pain and carrying it as her own- making my pain the biggest burden in her life; one day she asked me- how could I write poems about all of the bad things- how could I just put it all out there for the world to see; I looked her right in the eye as I asked her- how could I not; this grief- it is an echo- a silence- a sound that never quite seems to be finished; this grief is begging to be written about.
I Gave (She Took)
I see her trying; I see the heart she wants to have- but just does not know how to own; I gave my body to her over a year ago- I wish to have it back now, but am too afraid to ask; I know there are times where she wishes me to be different- probably in the same ways I wish she were different; her kindness used to be the last thing I would look for each night- as I set the day down I would pray to some power that I am not sure I believe in- asking for her to feel forgiveness- asking for her to feel my love; when I am with her- the darkness can be vast at times- it can take over all of my soul; most days I am with her all of the time- but I am not sure I want to be; I gave my body to her a few months ago- I am still not sure how to ask for it back; it is too easy to think of all the times when someone hurt you- and let that become all you are; it is too simple to think of all of the bad things that have happened to you and let it swallow you whole; when she tells me she does not love me- I have to learn to believe her; I gave my body to her a week ago- I write a poem for her- asking if I will ever be able to have it back; being with her is always begging to be a part of something important- I let my body dissolve into whatever she wants me to be- somehow I am still always wrong; it is hard to love someone who on most days they seem to love being right more than they love you; I gave my body to her yesterday- I want to ask her why she keeps taking it from me- I need to know what she wants with it; I write out the definition of consent over and over again until I have it memorized word for word- even then she is still able to convince me that I have the meaning wrong; I gave my body to her this morning; I gave my body to her a few hours ago; I gave my body to her an hour ago; she took my body a few minutes ago- I no longer wish to have it back.
Small Moments
I am sitting on her bed watching her stand in front of her mirror as she examines every inch of her body; it has only been five minutes since she told me she does not know if she will ever be able to love anyone; I wonder if maybe in her mind it sounded gentle- I wonder if it was supposed to sound gentle- I wonder if she is even talking about me at all; I do not know why I am still here- why I am not sitting on my own bed- or standing in front of my own mirror; there are many days I wish I never met her; the ashes of her love haunt the halls- as the ghost of what was- the ghost of what will never be; I cannot stop thinking about how two hours before this moment my therapist asked me if I knew what love was- if I knew what it is supposed to be; she wanted to know if I have ever felt it before; I know now why everyone always wanted to point out the bad about her; they would say to forget the good times- because even monsters can look beautiful in certain light; in the beginning- I tried to see what everyone else saw; the way her anger splintered the walls- the way every morning I would slowly try to place them back together- the way I always told myself, we are not broken- I am not broken- I repeat it over an over like a promise I was trying to keep; but maybe being broken is okay- things do not always have to be pieced together so perfectly- it is okay for things to be apart sometimes; there are days where she has burned me so badly- yet, I still do not hate her; sometimes- the weight of her words causes bruises to bloom all over my soul and to spill out onto my body; one night we lie together crying; one night we lie together laughing; one night we just lie together; I want these moments to be the most important things I do in all my life.
A Promise to Myself
I did not quite know what to do the day after; when the sun still rose- I guess, I was almost surprised; surprised the world seems to just move on without us sometimes; it was the day I truly realized everything we could lose in an instant; it was the day I stopped looking at my body; it was not until much later that I realized I think I may hate him; or at least not all of him, but part of him; most of him probably; from the beginning they told me I was too quiet- which is why most days I blame myself for what happened; I thought I must have somehow consented to what he did to me- I thought my silence must have somehow meant yes; I create a story where maybe in it he is more broken than I am; or maybe neither of us is broken- more like just lost; but also probably broken; sometimes it feels like you cannot be one without the other; the details of what happened live in the dark house of my bones- sometimes I find shelter in this darkness; I cannot escape it- so instead I create a home out of it; the pain he caused will live inside of me forever; there are days where trying to heal feels way too much like being punished for what he did; I am slowly learning how to grieve the loss of my own body; I have thought about leaving forever, but I never want to give him the satisfaction- he has taken so much from me already; when the night gets lonely- and the world seems no bigger than the space inside of my mind- I write over and over again that I will be okay; when the world feels like it is shattering around me- I promise myself I will not shatter along with it; on the days when all I can think about are the details of what he did- I remind myself I am not the broken one; there are days- where it feels like he is still trying to take the power away- on these days I promise myself I will never let him take all of me away with it- I promise myself I will not shrink away to what he wants me to become; and on the days- when this body feels like it no longer belongs to me- I remind myself that this body never belonged to him; I never belonged to him; I kneel in reverence to the pain; the scars on my body a constant reminder of the sacrifice I give; forever I yield- but no longer to him.
An Elegy for the Truth
Sometimes- the people who say they love you the most, do not really understand what love is- or what it is supposed to be; they want you to break yourself for them- but they would never think of breaking their own self for you; sometimes- love can mean sacrifice, but it does not always have to; there are times when we are laughing and I can almost see everything being put back together; these moments always seem to fall apart at the suggestion of love entering the room; I write an elegy for this love- hoping I will no longer let it call me back; I tried to tell you the truth once- the same truth I tried to tell the counselor; you both shut me down the same way; the truth has a hold on everyone; we all carry our own secrets somewhere on our body; I write an elegy for my truth- hoping I will no longer create a home for it- hoping it will no longer be the home I want to crawl back to every night- but I am learning you cannot just write the truth away- and hope that it no longer exists; the same way I cannot just write you away; the counselor wants me to tell her about this truth; sometimes I think she wanted an interesting story more than she actually wanted to help me; I write an elegy for this counselor- hoping that I will no longer miss her- hoping I will no longer be angry at her for not always believing me; I write an elegy for everything I no longer want to feel or remember- I leave them everywhere I go- but you cannot just write memories away; you cannot just run away from memories; the counselor asked me one day why she should believe me; I did not know how to answer her- you see- that is the thing about the truth- you cannot see the truth; you just have to believe it.
For Leaving
When ever something bad happens I always go searching for the poetry that will be able to bring what I am feeling alive in to words; now I no longer turn to others words for the comfort- Instead I craft them in my own soul and let them spill out on to paper; for a long time- I refused to write about you; how your laughter always could bring me home; how our love was as close to perfection I think anyone could dream of reaching; how this love was not enough to save us- to save you; when the sadness begins to ignite itself in the dark of the night- that is when I feel most close to you; I know that darkness has a home inside of us all- which is why I do not blame you for wanting to leave; for actually leaving; you often spoke of the sin of our love- the way the innocence of it angered you; how could something that felt so natural- be deemed so wrong- so disgusting; I think we both knew that our love was not wrong- that we are not wrong; but you can only have the judgement of others hatred carved down your spine so many times- before you start to believe- we might be broken; when you left- there was an aching emptiness lighting up every room I walked into; every night I talk to the stars- hoping maybe we are still looking up at the same sky; hoping that the moon and the sun are able to keep you safe; I still write love letters to you- leaving them everywhere I go- hoping that- wherever you are- you are able to find them; I think we both knew we would not always be together; we both knew our love was not meant to last forever; but- is that not what young love is supposed to be- stupid and unforgiving; we both would promise that we would never burn in the fire right in front of us- that we would not let this love go up in flames- and in a way- I guess we did that; in the end I was the only one to get burned; sometimes- I still do not understand how you could just walk away- why you never did really say goodbye; when the wind blows- I can still hear your whispers in the night- I wish you were here now; this loneliness lives in every room I enter; I am sorry this loneliness lived with you too; I am sorry that it lied to you about who you are and about who you could become; I am sorry that I could not save you from it; I am sorry that some days I am still mad at you for leaving; for leaving; for leaving; for- never being able to come back.
Secrets/Honesty
I try to find safety within the walls of my own body; I know there will come a day where I will no longer see my body as the enemy; where I will no longer wake up and see my body in the shape of a knife- looking to cut out all of the broken parts of me; the secrets we keep from ourselves are often the most dangerous ones; we all want to think of our bodies as our homeland- as the place safety will always come home to; but some of us are not that lucky; I often find myself wondering whether or not you are one of the lucky ones; sometimes- I miss the version of you that existed when we first met; the version of you that seemed to understand me; now- I do not always know how to carry your love- most of the time it just feels too heavy; let me carve you the stories of my traumas as I pull them from the depths of my body; let me show you how everyday I bathe in the well of my own secrets; let me help you love me again; let me help me love me again; one day- I saw the sun set in your eyes- this sorrow connected us so deeply- it was hard to tell where your hatred for me ended and where mine began; your hatred for me- was supposed to be a secret- as is my hatred for myself; I do not always want to be the keeper of your secrets; this honesty lives somewhere deep in my chest; I do not know if I will ever tell anyone the whole truth- but I am hoping to tell parts of it; the scars on my arm tell me maybe the truth is not hidden so deep inside of me- maybe I am not as hard to read as I thought I was; one night we lie on the floor laughing together; right now you do not look as scary as usual; I want this moment to never end; my biggest hope is that you feel the same way.
My True Heart
When the wind blows- I can hear the whispers of my true heart beating against the sky; salvation lays her head on the backs of the broken- she beckons me to come with her as she patiently helps me wash the shame off of all of me; she smiles as she tells me stories of my true heart; she tells me there will come a day where my true heart will hold all of this shame in her palms- not her fists- because she will not hide it away because she will no longer be afraid of it; I will no longer be afraid of it; I try to remember a dream I had- one of a girl who was well; she resembled me- but her life was full of light; I know this version of me exists somewhere; I know she is out there holding onto my true heart; how lucky we are to have a heart somewhere out there still pouring out love even when we do not always feel it- or see it; I know there are multiple versions of my heart that exist; I separate them by categorizing them as before the bad things happened- and after the bad things happened; I do not think one heart is less deserving than the other- I just think they are different- the way there are different versions of yourself for everyone in your life- there are different versions of your heart for every moment throughout your life; sometimes- I wonder about his true heart- I wonder if it was with him the day he raped me- I really hope that it was not; I hope like me- he was searching for his true heart too; I hope he found it; I know evil is never born- it is always created; salvation visits me regularly- she shows me there is more out there to live for; she tells me who I am now is not who I will always be; I spend my days trying to figure out how to go home to a body I no longer want- I spend my days trying to figure out how to run away from this body; I know my true heart will not have to spend her days doing this; I know my true heart will not see victim as her only trait that still lives; I know my true heart will not let the shame and grief take over all of who she is; I know there will be a day where the world will not feel as small- or as big- as the space my body takes up; and try not to worry- because I know my true heart will be coming home so soon.
The Wreckage
It is the small cracks in the ceiling that always bring me back home; a light flickers; the sun shines through; now my breath is steady; I hear the water running and I do not quite remember when it started; you might be here- but you might not be- the tightness in my chest tells me at one point you were here though; at one point this was all caused because of you; there are days I watch my body float by me- she flutters through the air so broken yet whole all at the same time- I always have to remind myself that she is me- remind myself that feeling safe and feeling stuck can often be the same thing; there are pieces of you left inside of me forever- I would try to carve them away- but I worry afterwards there will be nothing left; someone once told me- maybe you should stop writing about him so much- if you stop talking about him- maybe it will not matter as much anymore- if you stop writing about him, maybe you will be able to just move on; I think what they were really trying to say is that they are tired of hearing about you- they are tired of reading about you; I did not bother to tell them about the grave inside of me holding all of the details of you; I did not tell them that I will not stop writing about you just because it makes other people uncomfortable; that I will not stop writing about you because this is my chance to take control of the story; I did not tell them how I envy them for never having their own body taken away- I envy them for never having to rebuild a home inside of their own being; how do you grieve the loss of your own body; how do you grieve the loss of the biggest part of you there is- I try to run away from her- but she is always with me; the wreckage lines me from the inside out- I wonder- if other people are able to see the damage; one early morning in December your face shows up in my dreams- except this time I do not try to call for help- I do not fight- I have learned from my mistakes- when I awake in a panic I stare at the three small lines carved into the ceiling above me; I trace them with my eyes until I can breathe again- it is these small cracks in the ceiling that always bring me back home; a light flickers; the sun shines through; now my breath is steady.
The Moon Helps Me Guide You Home
I will never forget the feeling from the first time you told me that you loved me; it was October and the sky was lost somewhere transitioning between darkness and light- it was my favorite time of the day where the moon and sun both grace the sky and live in unity; it was the first time I think I really truly knew what love was; you did not say it because you had to, you did not say it because you felt that it was expected in the moment- you said it because I think for the first time- you really meant it; before you let the words slowly walk through your lips- we were revealing our deepest secrets to each other- we were tracing the scars of our traumas back as far as we could remember them; we sat in silence for a few moments before you finally let the words out; they hung in the air for a moment before I felt them carefully lay themselves on my soul and inside my heart; that night I opened my bedroom window and told the moon the story over and over again as she listened to every detail and smiled along with me; I told the moon goodnight and as I fell asleep I bottled the feeling of your love and stored it in my heart so I could feel it forever; every night as I fall asleep I pull that feeling back out and clutch it as tightly as I can- so I can fall asleep feeling your love wash over me all over again; even though things are not the same between us anymore and I had to let you go- I never have to let that feeling go; I still tell the moon the story over and over again most nights and she still smiles along with me; except- I no longer close the window when I am done talking to the moon; I leave it open hoping I can help you find your way back to me; the moon shines her light over me as she helps me guide you home; I hear the wind whisper your name and I know we are together; I see the shape of your body in my dreams- your gentle touch a not so distant memory; I saw you the other day and you looked so different from that October night; I do not tell the moon the story of that night as often anymore; I cannot keep living on a memory that does not represent who we both are any longer; I stopped leaving the window open for you as well; I do still hope the moon helps me guide you home; but I do not think I want her guiding you to my home.
Lotuskey Poetry 