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The Heart That Loves Differently

How do you explain to the people you love- that even though your heart loves differently, you are still the same person you always have been; how are you supposed to ask for forgiveness for just being who you are? And, if in some way, I end up being wrong- who do I apologize to? If I am wrong, do I have to give a piece of my heart to every single person I came out to? When the therapist told me that being gay is a choice- if I just decided to be straight- all of my problems would just go away- I wanted to tell her about all of the times I pretended to love a boy just to please others; I wanted to tell her about all of the days I spent questioning my own validity; how are you supposed to tell the people you care about- who you really are- when the one person who was supposed to help you thinks you are disgusting; how do I explain that being gay is not a choice; that my heart may love differently from theirs- but that does not mean it is wrong.

Reverence

It was not until much later that I realized I think I may hate him; or at least not all of him, but part of him; most of him probably; in the beginning I just felt confused- I create a story where maybe in it- he is more broken than I am; or, maybe- neither of us is broken- more like just lost; but also probably broken; sometimes it feels like you cannot be one without the other; I wonder if he thinks about what happened as often as I do; I hope he thinks about what happened as often as I do; the details live in the dark house of my bones- sometimes I find shelter in this darkness; I cannot escape it- so instead I create a home out of it; there are times I begin to write about him- but I always have to stop because how can I write about the pain he caused in a way you will understand? there are days where it feels like once I disclose this secret to someone- it should no longer hurt me- it should no longer matter; yet it continues to hurt- I worry that you do not understand this pain; this is not the type of pain that hurts until it no longer hurts anymore- it is the type that hurts until it hurts even more- and when I feel that it cannot possibly hurt any more- it somehow always does; I have been told that forgiving means growth- forgiving means forgetting- forgiving means moving on; but he came in and fucked up my life and for that I will not forgive- I do not have to forgive; I am slowly learning how to grieve the loss of my own body; I kneel in reverence to the pain; the scars on my body a constant reminder of the sacrifice I give; forever I yield.

The River

They pull a girl from a river somewhere- and I cannot help but wonder- will that ever be me? I am sitting here trembling as I tell you the darkest secret I have ever held on to- and you ask me if I ever actually said no- you wonder- out loud- if maybe I did not fight as hard as I could have; I want to tell you about the river and the girl they just pulled out of it- how everyone is trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done better; they put more effort into blaming her than actually trying to find the person who did it; there are days where I feel my shame walks into the room before I do- where the world feels no bigger than the house I hide myself away in; when the boy calls me a dyke- all I can see is that river; there have been many rivers in my life; when the man told me I would be prettier if I would just smile; when the man told me if I just relaxed it would not hurt; when the man laughed and told me- you know you are so small; and I realize- I am so small- and this world is so big; and there are so many many men; and even more rivers.

The Loneliest Thing I’ve Ever Done

It was the day you told me you loved me; except it sounded more like you were trying to remind yourself that is what you are supposed to say- what you are supposed to feel; it always seems to feel like that- like asking you to love me is asking for way too much; every day I break my ribs to try to fit them perfectly within yours; showing you I will do anything for you- showing myself that the world shatters around me everyday, but so far- I have yet to shatter with it- but maybe I am breaking with it little by little; this loneliness floats through the room carrying whispers of abandonment; one night I ask you to tell me the story of your first love; to tell me the story of how wrong it seemed to others- but how right it felt to you- every time you tell the story- I hope to find myself somewhere in there; I don’t know how I got here most days- why I am so hell-bent on getting you to love me; one day you tell me- it’s pathetic really, how I will follow you anywhere- like a lost dog just looking for some place to turn- when you laugh I try not to cry; loving you has been the loneliest thing I have ever done; one night you trace the tattoos on my arms- you ask me how I could do something that will plague my body forever; I look away as I realize you do not understand the weight of your question; this is the only place on my body that you have never been- it is the only place that has not been plagued by you.

Ashes and Memories

I take the ashes from all of the times you have burned me with your words- and I scatter them around my body; the ashes always seem to fall into place so perfectly- almost resembling their own kind of poetry; after sitting with them for hours, I gently scoop them into a jar; It is not long until all of these jars are taking up space in the spare room down the hall; some nights when I cannot sleep I quietly creep into the spare room and pick up one of the jars- I carefully sit down and place it on the floor in front of me; I stare at it for hours trying to recreate the exact feelings of the moment those ashes were created from- and for a few seconds, I think I understand you more than I ever have before.

Alternate Universe Where I Think I May Love You

The sun is beginning to rise and your love is the first thing I feel; when we share our bodies with each other I will not cry- and even when I do you love me anyway; which makes me love you more; sometimes, I feel your sadness pounding it’s fists against the walls- just begging for a way out- in these moments I feel like you understand me more than anyone- I feel like we can almost be the same person; when your anger starts to glow through your body and out into the world- I do not get scared- because in this world your anger is not directed at me; in this world I like to think you really truly do love me; which is to say- I don’t think I love you, but I also don’t hate you- but in this alternate universe I think there’s a chance I may love you; in this alternate universe we can be anything we want; which is why one day- when the sun is beginning to rise and your love is the first thing I feel; I will crawl out of bed slowly- as I pick up the bags I packed days before- I will not look back, I will not say goodbye; because my leaving is my way of saying- I think I may love you.

Moments

Everyone always wants to point out the bad about you; they say to forget the good times because even monsters can look beautiful in certain light; in the beginning- I tried to see what everyone else saw; the way your anger splintered the walls- the way every morning I would slowly try to place them back together- the way I always told myself, we are not broken- I am not broken; but maybe being broken is okay- things do not always have to be pieced together so perfectly, it is okay for things to be a part sometimes; there are days where you have burned me so badly- yet I still do not hate you; sometimes, the weight of your words causes bruises to bloom all over my soul and spill out onto my body; one night we lie together crying; one night we lie together laughing; one night we just lie together; I want these moments to be the most important things I do in all my life.

Daylight and Shame

I hold the shame in the palm of my hands- I press them together as a sign of prayer, I beg for your forgiveness- I gently place my hand to my heart and let the shame light up my entire body; I carry out this ritual every night- hoping for salvation to come visit me in the day light- hoping that if you see who I really am; that maybe- you will not run away.

Secrets Always Lead to Apologies

I think he may have forgotten about the grave, somewhere deep inside of me, holding all of the secrets- his secrets; I don’t think he ever saw me as a person, I was simply just a means to his end; when he laughed at my body I knew shame was something I was going to live with forever; sometimes, when I close my eyes- his face is all I see- someone puts their hand on my back and it’s as if my world is ending all over again; shame and grief often times live on the same street- and almost always in the same house; I promise him I will not tell anyone what happened- it does not matter that I broke that promise anyway, because when I tell the counselor what he did- she says she does not believe me; sometimes, trying to heal feels way too much like being punished for what he did- because of him I’ve become part apology and part shame- these parts always seem to take up too much space; I look up to see the counselor staring at me- asking me, why would I make something like this up; why would I lie to her; as I apologize once again and bury these secrets back into their grave- all I can think about is what she’s really trying to say- why am I trying to take up so much space; what could I possibly do with all of that space.

For Ellie

She’s the only one there to save me from my nightmares; there are so many nightmares- she looks at me with her big brown eyes and gently lays her head on mine, her heartbeat is always what brings me back to safety; I love her more than I love anything- she has saved me more than she will ever know; you see no one wanted Ellie- she was the last one left in her litter all because her back legs didn’t work- all because she wasn’t perfect; from the moment I first held her I knew I was never letting her go, her heart now has a home in mine; her love is a light in the middle of a dark forest- in the center of a broken home; on the days where happiness feels like an emotion that exists nowhere in my body- she still can make me laugh; while the waves of my life drown me over and over again, me and Ellie continue to save each other everyday; I know we really truly love each other- in the most forgiving way; the morning comes, and once again I do not know how I will make it out of my bed- how to make it through another day- Ellie lays her head on my chest and looks at me once again with her big brown eyes reminding me we will get through it together, reminding me I’m no longer alone; her heartbeat once again brings me back to safety, telling me we have to get up- the day is calling; and once more we will save each other all over again- like we do every single day.

Victim/Survivor

I never knew darkness could be so loud- how powerful memories can be when you can’t quite remember them; he embodies every trauma I have ever experienced- when the front door of the house inside of your soul has been broken down so many times it is easy to feel abandoned- like no one in the world will ever be on your side; I know victim and survivor are just two words with the same meaning- but one is just so much more powerful than the other- more respected; I wonder which one you see me as- I wonder which one I see myself as; I want to know when I’ll stop apologizing for what happened, when will safety make its much awaited debut back into my life again; the counselor tells me I can tell her what happened- the counselor begs me to tell her what happened- the counselor constantly calls me a victim; it’s only when I stop talking to her about it does she refer to me as a survivor- I wonder if she realizes that she’s the one who begged me to talk about it in the first place.

Secret Shame

I explained to her once
how sometimes I feel
I’m the shoreline

just longing for the ocean
to come kiss me goodnight,

when she did not run away
I knew I felt something for her,

when I admitted to her
how I hold death like a prayer
in between my palms

she quietly whispered how she did too,
and it almost felt like we were one;

her sadness has a home inside of me
and even though she often
holds back her laughter
I know it is what’s lighting my soul-

this emptiness has become too much to bear on most days

but she always reminds me
I’m never alone

she once told me
her soul looked like a well

with no water waiting at the bottom-
just emptiness

how her voice
gets lost in there,

suddenly my whole life made sense.

I convince myself
the sky is calling me home

she asks me
if I want to build a house
out of the clouds,

she asks me why
I won’t call her by her name

why I won’t introduce her to my family;

she wants to know if I love her,

and I do.

I love her like you’re supposed
to love yourself

except loving yourself
isn’t that easy,

I still refer to her
as a separate person

even though she is a part of me

I still refer to her as her
instead of by what she really is;

but depression will do that to you,

she will move into
the dark house of your bones

she will tell you
there is not enough room
for all of this shame and sadness

she will leave you longing
for the girl you never quite were

as you struggle to create space
for her to live comfortably-

she moved into my heart last week,

as she carved her initials into my soul
I knew her and anxiety would get along just fine

I always feel them dancing in my rib cage,
running up and down the stairs of my chest

and not a day goes by where
they don’t hold a party in my brain,

she and anxiety have become
a powerhouse couple
who use my body as their refuge,

every day I drown in the well
of her secrets

as the blood of her shame
washes over me once again.

The Road Home

Sometimes, it feels the more something happens- the less it should bother you; the more it happens- the less it should intrude in your dreams- make it so every time you close your eyes- all you see are nightmares; all you see is the stuff you never want to talk about; the pain starts somewhere deep in my body; it travels slowly- making sure to hit every surface; there are so many days- my whole world exists in this one single room; these walls become a confidant and an enemy; the sheets entangle me in all of the secrets they hold; this pain will always live in these walls- in this room; I can never seem to run far enough away- the truth will always follow me no matter what; I wear a key with the word strength engraved on it around my neck every day- in hopes I will one day feel the strength to build a house out of my bones; I hope to feel the strength bloom inside of me; I hope one day they will be able to see this strength; maybe then- they will no longer be able to hurt me; one day- I am hopefully going to look back on these moments- and see the strength was always with me- even when I did not feel it; this loneliness right now- is a boat stranded in the middle of the sea; it is the light at the end of a desolate road; but one day- this strength will be what is lighting that road; that road- some days I can see it so clearly; I am slowly working on building that road; that road is somewhere far far away; that road is home; and I am aiming straight for it.

My Body

I watch you make decisions about my body; we all watch them making decisions about our bodies; waiting until we leave the room; building mountains no body wants behind closed doors; what is the sense in a future- when your whole future could be decided by others; the night I was raped- my first thought was hoping he did not make me pregnant; he took my body from me and in an instant he could have left me in charge of another life; a life where I would be blamed if I did not see it through; he took everything from me- but in that moment I could have easily become the monster; I could have become the one who did something wrong; the one who will one day end up in prison longer than he ever will; I learned long ago to hide my body; because even when they are the ones who did something wrong; the blame will always be placed on my back; after they burn us- they will ask us where the scars came from; they will tell us we need to hide them; I have been hiding my whole life; sometimes- I get tired of always hiding; always being afraid of what is around the corner; the problem is- I have never learned how to not hide; the decisions about my body have always been made for me; I want to create a home out of my body; make it a home that does not belong to anyone else; build a home I am not afraid of; I learned long ago to not fight back; if I were to accidentally hurt the person who was was hurting me- most likely I would be the one in trouble; the system has always been built against women; the system has always been built in favor of white men; I watch you make decisions about my body; I want to fight these decisions- but there are so many days where I am just too tired; there are days where the system has been stacked against me so much- I do not even know how to begin fighting it; there are days where I am okay with hiding; but I will never stop fighting- in any way I can; I hope one day I will get my body back; I hope so many others will too; I hope the mountains will shrink; even if only a little bit; I watch you make decisions about my body; we all watch them making decisions about our bodies; yet we will continue to fight for our right to choose.

Who I Am

I am not quite sure who I am; I think I lost myself the second he touched me; I leave pieces of who I want to be- who I think I could have been- scattered around me; when they ask me- if this is why I am so quiet- I pretend not to be offended; I do not think that being quiet is the worst thing to come out of this; the thing I am learning about shame- is that it is something you do not feel- until other people tell you that you are supposed to; the therapist tells me I need to start talking more- when I ask her why- she replies with- don’t you want to be happy?- I cannot remember telling her that I was not; I never understood why me being quiet bothers others so much- why they think this is the root of all of my sadness; why everyone wants to fix me so badly- without even asking me if I want to be fixed; I do not need to be fixed; this is not something I blame him for; he did not do this too me; this is just who I am; it feels like everyone wants my shyness to be something inherited from the trauma- if it was inherited than I can work on changing it; somehow- even with being quiet- I have always been too much; the way it has always been too easy to be too much; I picture myself in another life; one where none of the bad things have happened; one where I never met him; when I picture this life- I hope I am still quiet; I hope I still get to be the one part of me I always knew I was supposed to be; I hope I get to still be the one part of me that was never altered by him- the one part of me that had nothing to do with him.

The Weight of Pain

I have tried to send this part of me away- so I will never have to feel the weight of your disappointment tearing into my back; I thought if I was able to disappear- it might make you love me; this ghost floats through my body- floats through every room I walk into; I am sorry I am filled with the wrong kind of love- the second I came out I knew I would be spending the rest of my life chasing your forgiveness; I do not think there is anything more painful than having to live a life where you never get to be who you truly are; I never wanted this sadness to build a house out of my body- to call my bones its refuge; I never wanted to be gay in a world where to be anything different is to ask for a death sentence; whether it be by my own hands that end it- or someone else’s; I beg my limbs for forgiveness- tell them I need someone else to help me carry the weight of all of this pain; I have never known a sadness to be so heavy; I have never known a love to be so light.

I Want You to Love Me

While lying in bed at night I see your face and wonder how deep the darkness lives; the pain goes through to my bones, a constant reminder of where you once were; I wonder, does the moon envy the sun for their brightness, I hope she knows her light is just as powerful; I know you understand the shame more than I understand it myself- you are the reason for it even being alive in the first place- I confess all of my sins to you, even though I don’t really believe they are sins, but I know you do- and I will do anything you want me to; just so I can feel your love; I will do anything you say because I want you to love me- you believe my scars are disgusting- I know this because of the way you look at them; because of the way you look at me- I agree with you; but I do not know if I love you or not; but I want you to love me; so I believe every word you say.

Book Review: When We Were Innocent

I have recently been loving World War II historical fiction books. I used to always try to stray away from them because they could never keep my attention, but lately I have a new appreciation for them. When We Were Innocent by Kate Hewitt was so interesting because it was historical fiction mixed with contemporary fiction. I loved that the book went back and forth between present and past. It flowed well and I simply could not put the book down.

Libby Trent has spent her life working hard and building a life she is proud of. She lives in Virginia with her husband, her two kids, and her father has moved in with them as well. But one day her world turns upside down when a government official shows up at her doorstep and tells her that her father is not who he says he is. He tells her that her father is actually a Nazi War Criminal who escaped Germany at the end of the war and he has stolen someone else’s identity. Now Libby has a choice to help them bring a case against her father, or, to try and protect him at all costs.

Right from the beginning the story had me hooked. I just wanted to know everything and I could not stop reading. All of the characters were interesting and complex. It felt unlike anything else I have ever read. The book also portrayed that sometimes things aren’t always just black and white or either right or wrong. Sometimes there is a middle ground and it is okay if there is.

I rated this book 3.5/5 stars. I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it. I believe a wide variety of readers would enjoy the book. Personally contemporary fiction is one of my favorite genres so I loved that it was a huge component of the book mixed in with some historical fiction.

Hotline

I practice saying: I forgive you- in the mirror over and over again; I do not really want to forgive him for everything he did to me- nor do I really have to forgive him; but sometimes forgiveness helps with survival; sometimes it is the only thing that will keep your heart beating; I imagine what it would be like to not be a victim; I question if I am even a victim at all; I talk to the moon in the darkness of the night; lay all of my secrets bare for her; the world is falling apart around me; I feel it falling apart within me as well; I dial the number to the rape hotline- hang up after the first ring; how can I describe to someone else what I am feeling- when I am not even sure what I am feeling myself; I dial again- hang up on the second ring- because I know they will ask me the question I dread the most; the question every single therapist and counselor I have ever spoken to has asked me; the question that always brings the conversation to a halt; the question that almost always makes me want to hang up; the question- what can I do for you in this moment- is there anything I can do right now to help; the simple answer is- I do not know; I do not know what I need- or what I want- or how to live one more second in a mind that seems so determined to hurt me; I do not know how to get to safety- or where it lives- or how long it will take to get there; I look down at the number once more; hover my finger above it for another few seconds; turn off the phone; look up at the moon- beg her to please watch over me tonight; I whisper- I forgive you- over and over again; as I will sleep to come save me; I am not sure if I am begging for forgiveness for myself; or if I am still trying to forgive him.

Book Review: Into the Water

Into the Water by Paula Hawkins was not the best thriller I ever read, but I still really enjoyed it. It kept me guessing the entire time, I found the plot to be interesting, and the characters were well written. I also loved the older stories that were mixed in with what was currently happening.

One day a single mother turns up dead at the bottom of the river that runs through town. Earlier in the summer, a teenage girl had met the same fate. Unfortunately, these are not the first women who have been lost to this water. These deaths disturb the river and bring up history and secrets that have been submerged for a long time.

I love a good thriller and this one did not disappoint. Throughout the entire novel I kept second guessing things and trying to figure it out myself, but I was unable to. Right when I felt I had it figured out something else would happen. I also loved that the story was told from multiple points of view. I enjoy hearing things from everyone’s perspective because it always adds another layer to the story.

I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. I would highly recommend it if you have not read it yet. It had a lot of strong characters, the plot was well thought out, and the overall writing was very good and was able to keep my attention. I found it to be a good summer read.

Book Review: The Scarlet Dress

The Scarlet Dress by Louise Douglas honestly surprised me with how much I enjoyed it. For some reason I was just not really anticipating much going into it, but I was pleasantly surprised with how much I liked it. It even made me go on and read more books by Louise Douglas.

Twenty five years ago, Alice Lang was wearing her favorite scarlet dress when she disappeared. It was the summer of 1995, Alice Lang was 22, and she rented a caravan on a holiday park on the outskirts of the holiday resort, Severn Sands. Alice befriended Marnie, who was a shy little girl, whose father is the parks caretaker, and her mother died a few months earlier. Will, whose mother runs the bar in Severn Sands, ends up falling in love with Alice, and becomes jealous of anyone else she is with. Tensions begin to rise and one evening Alice disappears from her caravan. She is never seen again. Only her scarlet dress is found when it washes up on the shore. Now, it is many years later and Alice’s body has been found.They must now string together secrets of the past to find out what happened to Alice.

This book was so interesting to me for some reason. There was just something about it that hooked me in right from the beginning. I enjoyed all of the characters, I felt like the writing was really strong, and I loved the way the story developed. I was invested from the beginning and that does not always happen in a book. It was not only about what happened to Alice, but also about the lives of all the other people living in the holiday park, which I really enjoyed.

I gave this book 4/5 stars. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has not read it. It is also included on Kindle Unlimited, which is a plus. I am so glad I decided to read it. The cover instantly drew me in and made me want to see what the book was about. I look forward to reading even more of Louise Douglas’ novels.

Book Review: Too Late

I don’t even really know where to begin with Too Late by Colleen Hoover. After reading a lot of books by her I have discovered that her novels are always a hit or miss for me, and this one was a complete miss. I considered not even finishing it multiple times, but there was a part of me that was just curious enough to keep to going so I could find out what was going to happen.

Sloan is the type of person who will do anything for the people she loves. Every day she goes through hell with her boyfriend, Asa Jackson. He is dangerous and morally corrupt. Sloan continues to do whatever she can to make it through, until she is able to find a way out. But then one day Carter shows up, and he changes everything for Sloan. To Asa, Sloan is the best thing to ever happen to him, and he will not let anyone or anything, take her away from him. Asa does everything he can to stay one step ahead in business and one step ahead of Sloan and he will not let anything get in his way, including Carter.

The first thing I want to add, is a warning for domestic violence, and sexual assault. That is a huge proponent of this novel, and I wish I would have seen a warning before I started reading this book. This was quite possibly the worst book I have ever read. I have read quite a few of Colleen Hoover’s novels, so I know she is a good author and that I have enjoyed her books in the past, so this is not anything against her. This book was just not good. First off, there were super graphic sex scenes, which I would actually call rape scenes, and I felt like that didn’t need to be there. I am not a prude, or morally objected to sex in books, but this just took it too far, in my opinion. Secondly, the writing just seemed all over the place to me and the characters didn’t seem fully thought out. One of my biggest problems with this novel though, is I don’t believe this is the type of book, that people who have been though domestic violence or sexual assault, want out there to portray what those relationships are like. It almost seemed like it was mocking domestic violence, abuse, and sexual assault in a way. It just didn’t sit right with me.

I gave this book 1/5 stars. I would give it less if possible. Obviously, I had a lot of issues with it and I wish the novel would have been thought out a little bit better. I wouldn’t recommend this book. I don’t think it is worth it and Colleen Hoover has much better books out there and I don’t think anyone needs to waste their time with this one.

May Reading Wrap-Up

It is officially June, so this post is dedicated to all of the books I read in May. Unfortunately, I did not read that many books. For whatever reason I was just having a hard time getting into reading last month. I have high hopes for June though! In May I read 7 books. I really enjoyed all 7. I don’t think I disliked any of them. The 7 books I read in May were:

  1. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
  2. Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery
  3. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
  4. Magpie Murders by Anthony Horowitz
  5. The Book of Cold Cases by Simone St. James
  6. The Scarlet Dress by Louise Douglas
  7. Circle of Doubt by Tracy Buchanan

Of these 7 books my favorite was Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. That is shortly followed by Anne of Green Gables though because that is a classic. I have the box set of the Anne of Green Gables series and I haven’t read them since I was younger, so I decided to work my way through it and am currently reading the third one now. I would also highly recommend The Book of Cold Cases this was my second book of Simone St. James and I cannot wait to read more stuff by her.

I wouldn’t categorize any of the books I read this month as not worth it, or say any of them were not for me. I enjoyed all of them. My least favorite would have to be Circle of Doubt by Tracy Buchanan, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. I would recommend all of the books on this list. I really look forward to seeing what I will read in June. So far this year I have read 46 books!

Book Review: Everything We Didn’t Say

Everything We Didn’t say by Nicole Baart was a fantastic thriller mixed with family drama. This novel sucked me in and kept me guessing throughout. I couldn’t wait to get to the end to see what was going to happen. I love a good thriller, but find that often times they don’t live up to my expectations, but this one did.

Juniper Baker had just graduated high school and was involved in a summer romance when Cal and Beth Murphy, a couple living on the neighboring farm, were brutally murdered. When Juniper’s younger brother became the prime suspect, her whole world collapsed. The fun of that summer disappeared in an instant. Juniper left and promised herself she would never return to Jericho, Iowa. Now though, she is back in town to help an ill friend manage the local library. Juniper really returned though because she wants to repair her relationship with her teenage daughter, who has been raised by Juniper’s mother and stepfather since her birth. Juniper also wants to solve the infamous Murphy murder and clear her brothers name once and for all.

This book was so good. I could not put it down. I felt the characters were well written, the plot kept me interested throughout the whole book, and it was able to keep me guessing up until the end. This was another one of those books where I just randomly picked it for my Book of the Month box and I am so glad that I did.

I gave this book 4/5 stars. I would highly recommend this book if you enjoy thrillers. I wish I could read this book again for the first time. I really want to read more books exactly like this. Because I read so much, sometimes I find it hard to keep interested in certain novels and plots, but this one was different and was a refreshing read for me. If you have not read this novel yet, definitely add it to your TBR!

Book Review: No Time to Say Goodbye

At this point I have read a few books by Kate Hewitt and No Time to Say Goodbye was not my favorite, but I still enjoyed it. I think Kate Hewitt does a good job of writing about real life experiences. With her books I tend to get drawn in and almost forget that I am even reading.

Nathan West loved and adored his wife Laura. But now Laura is gone. She was killed in what seems to be a random act of violence. Laura is what held the family together and now Nathan feels life without her is meaningless. Nathan is trying to hold the family together without Laura. He is trying to help his three young daughters as best he can while they all move through the grief in different ways. Nathan ends up turning to Maria, a friend of Laura’s. Maria is helping Nathan see how Laura really felt about him and things at home. Nathan doesn’t really know if he can trust Maria and Maria is holding something back from Nathan. This secret Maria is holding has the power to completely destroy the friendship the two of them have built.

Like I said earlier, this book was not my favorite, but I still was able to enjoy it. It had a very real life feel to it which I really liked and that always makes me appreciate a novel more. I think the characters were well written and sympathetic. I also enjoyed the growth of the characters throughout the novel.

I gave this book 3/5 stars. Not my favorite, but still enjoyable. I would recommend it if you enjoy contemporary fiction. I would also recommend Kate Hewitt overall if you enjoy contemporary fiction. Her historical fiction romance novels are also good, from the ones I have read so far. I look forward to reading more of her novels in the future.

Book Review: The Woman in Cabin 10

I have heard a lot about The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware so I had to read it to see what everyone was talking about. While I liked it, it was not my favorite. It was a pretty decent thriller, but not the best one I ever read. I would still probably recommend it though, but I would just say don’t have too high of expectations.

Lo Blacklock is a journalist who writes for a travel magazine. She has just been given the assignment of a lifetime. She will be on a luxury cruise for a week that has only a handful of cabins. At first, Lo’s trip is perfect, but as the week goes on things begin to change. One night Lo witnesses something terrible: a woman being thrown overboard. Yet, all the passengers are accounted for, so the ship continues to sail as if nothing has happened. Lo keeps trying to tell anyone who will listen that something has gone terribly wrong and they need to stop the ship.

This is one of those books where as soon as I read what it was about I was excited to read it. Books like this usually hook me in right away. This one did hook me in, but at some points I got a little bit annoyed with the main character, which could make it difficult to read at times. I just felt like at times it was too much and the same things were being repeated over and over again.

I gave this book 3/5 stars. Not my favorite, but also not my least favorite. It was just lacking something for me and I can’t quite figure out what that is though. I thought Lo was a pretty well written character, I just got annoyed by her at times, but I’m not exactly sure why. I think this book is good and I didn’t find it to be a waste of time there was just something missing for me.

Book Review: The Family Upstairs

The Family Upstairs by Lisa Jewell was interesting. I was very confused when I first read what the book was about, so I am going to do my best to describe what it was about, but be warned, you may be just as confused as I was. It wasn’t until I started reading it that everything came together and began to make sense. Overall, I would say it was a pretty strong novel. Not my favorite, but still a good book.

On her 25th birthday, Libby Jones, receives a letter that she has been patiently waiting for her whole life. Through this letter she learns the identity of her birth parents and she also learns that she has now inherited their abandoned mansion that is worth millions. Twenty five years ago the police were called to this mansion with reports of a baby crying. When the police arrived they found three adults dead downstairs in the kitchen, but the baby was alive and well upstairs in her crib. Four other children were reported to live there, but they have never been found. Now Libby is learning about her past and trying to find where the four other children have gone.

This book was kind of confusing, but once I started reading it it began to make a lot more sense. I have read quite a few books by Lisa Jewell and I have to say she’s not my favorite author, but I do enjoy her novels. I was trying so hard to figure everything out that this ended up being a super quick read. If you are looking for something easy to read or a nice thriller I would definitely recommend this book.

I gave this book 3/5 stars. It was definitely interesting, just not my favorite book I have ever read. I would still recommend it though. If you like thrillers I would also recommend checking out Lisa Jewell’s other novels.

Book Review: The Art of Racing in the Rain

I absolutely loved The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. It took me about a day to read because I just could not put it down. I can’t believe it took me this long to read. If you have not read it yet I highly recommend it.

Enzo knows he is different from other dogs. He believes he is smarter and has nearly a human soul. He educates himself by watching TV and listening to Denny Swift, his master. On the eve of his death, Enzo recalls his life. He tells the story of family, love, loyalty, and hope.

I love that this book was told from a dogs perspective. As an adult, we don’t really get a lot of books told from an animals point of view. Obviously, this book made me sob. You know from the description that Enzo is going to die, but it still got me at the end. I actually had to stop reading for a bit because I was crying so hard I could not see the page clearly enough to read. Overall though, this book was one of a kind and was written really well. It did a great job at depicting life, but from a dogs perspective.

I gave this book 4.5/5 stars. I would highly recommend this book. I think every single person can get something out of it and also enjoy it. Just be prepared and have your tissues ready because you are going to need them!

Book Review: Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

I pretty much cried my way through Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine. I think I started crying on page one and didn’t stop until the very last page. Even then I think I cried for like an hour after I finished it. I think this may be the best book I have read so far this year and I would not hesitate to read it again.

No one has ever told Eleanor Oliphant that life should be better than fine. Eleanor Oliphant struggles with appropriate social skills and most of the time will just say exactly what she is thinking. Everything in her life is scheduled and each day, each week, is practically the same. Everything changes for Eleanor though when she meets Raymond. Raymond is the IT guy from her office and together they save an elderly man who had fallen. The three of them seem to rescue each other from their lonely isolated lives. Raymond’s big heart shows Eleanor that that there is more to life and he helps her to get help for all of trauma and hardships from her past. Eleanor learns from Raymond that she is capable of finding friendship and love.

This book broke me, but in a good way. Eleanor was a wonderfully written character. Throughout the novel I found that I related to Eleanor in so many ways. Which in some ways, made the book harder to read, but I also believe it made it easier to read. This book did a great job of balancing humor and trauma. I found myself actually laughing out loud at some parts of it, while simultaneously crying, because I really don’t think I stopped crying from page one of this book. I think so many people could gain something from reading this novel.

I gave this book 5/5 stars. I can’t say enough good things about it. It was just beautifully written. It was charming, heartbreaking, humorous, and overall a very important story. I think everyone could learn something from Eleanor Oliphant. I would honestly read this book over and over again. If you have not read this yet, I highly recommend that you do. I cannot say enough good things about this novel.

Book Review: The Liar’s Daughter

The Liar’s Daughter by Megan Cooley Peterson was so good. I could not put this book down. As soon as I read the description I was hooked. I love a book that centers around a cult because I find them to be absolutely fascinating.

Seventeen year old Piper was raised in a cult. Piper doesn’t know this though. All she knows is that Father is a prophet. He is the chosen one. She also knows she would do anything for him. She knows that he knows best. Until one day, when the government raids the compound and takes her away from Father and Mother and her siblings. She is now living with a woman who they claim is her real mother. They claim Father stole her from her. Piper doesn’t believe it though, and she is planning her escape.

This book was super interesting. For anyone who has never been controlled by other people I think this concept can be hard to wrap your mind around, but Piper was in this everyday so of course she was going to believe everything Father said. She was brainwashed for so long all of her earlier memories were wiped out. I loved how the characters were written. Especially Piper. It was really interesting watching her character growth throughout the novel.

I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. I would highly recommend this book. Especially if you have an interest in cults. Also if you enjoy mystery and young adult novels I think you would enjoy this book. I randomly found this book on Amazon and decided to order it and I am so glad that I did. It was not the best book I ever read, but I really enjoyed it.