*April is an important month to me. Not only is it National Poetry Month, but it is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. These two events collide in my world in an unfortunate way, but I am taking that pain and turning it in to something, that I hope in a way, can be beautiful. I am also taking control of what happened every time I write a poem. I know that what I write is not for everyone and I respect that, but I hope people can respect me and understand why I am writing these poems. Thank you to those who read and support my poetry and have nothing but positive things to say.*
Tonight when I cry the whole world will fall to its knees; tonight everyone will know the pain I feel; behind these walls I know I am nothing- but I try to pretend I am everything; when I cry tonight I will not promise myself this will be the last time; there is no shame in crying; no shame in reaching deep into yourself and prying out the broken; when I cry- do not tell me everything is okay- because nothing is okay right now; right now- my body needs to fall apart- in order to put herself back together; tonight- my body belongs to me- I will cherish every second she belongs solely to myself; the walls surround me; create a false hope of safety; the world outside is so big; behind these walls I know I am nothing- but I try to pretend I am everything.
With today being the start of a new month, it is that time again to look back on all of the books I read last month. Today’s post is dedicated to my March reading wrap-up! I kind of had a slow start to reading this month so I ended up only reading 7 books. The 7 books I read last month were:
- Underneath the Sycamore Tree by B. Celeste
- The Broken Girls by Simone St. James
- Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty
- Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner
- My Daughter’s Mistake by Kate Hewitt
- The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
- This Beautiful Life by Helen Schulman
These books were definitely a mix across genres. I kind of jumped all over the place last month. My favorite books I read last month are The Broken Girls and The Art of Racing in the Rain. I absolutely loved both of these novels. I was able to finish them both within about two days. I already wrote my review on The Broken Girls but keep an eye out for The Art of Racing in the Rain because that review will be coming soon. I would highly recommend both of these novels if you have not read them yet.
My least favorite book was easily This Beautiful Life. I had a lot of issues with that novel and I almost stopped reading it a couple of times. I will do a longer review on that book soon, but I will say here, I would not recommend that book. I know some people loved it, but I had issues with it.
Overall, I would say it was a pretty good reading month for me. I am hoping to read more this month and I look forward to seeing what my new favorites are at the end of April!
If you have not read The Broken Girls by Simone St. James yet, do yourself a favor and read it. I randomly picked this book for my Book of the Month box and I am so glad that I did. It was such an interesting read with lots of twists and I could not stop reading this book.
In Vermont 1950 Idlewild hall was a boarding school for “troubled girls”. There are rumors that this boarding school is haunted. Four roommates end up kind of bonding over this story and their friendship continues to grow until one of them seems to just vanish. Now it is 2014 and Fiona Sheridan is a growing journalist. in 1994 her sisters body was found on the abandoned grounds of Idlewild Hall. Even though her sisters boyfriend at the time was arrested and convicted of her murder, Fiona cannot stop thinking about it and feeling as if things just don’t add up. As Fiona continues to look into it and the history of Idlewild Hall, secrets that were meant to stay hidden begin to surface.
One of my favorite aspects of this book was the jumping between time periods. I felt that it added another element and made me want to keep reading even more. This novel was also told from multiple viewpoints, which I always think adds to the story. The characters were all strong and I was able to feel a connection with each of them. I read this book really quickly and could not put it down.
Overall I give this book 4/5 stars. Like I mentioned earlier, it had strong characters, an interesting plot, multiple viewpoints, and I enjoyed the jump between time periods. I can’t wait to read more books by this author. I imagine I’ll enjoy her other novels just as much as I enjoyed this one!
I am still at a loss of words for the book Her Final Words by Brianna Labuskes. It was a thriller, but it had other elements to it. I found the whole concept to be fascinating and really different from other books.
17 year old Eliza Cook seeks out FBI special agent Lucy Thorne to confess to a murder of a twelve year old boy. This seems like an open and shut case, but Lucy believes there is more to this. After Eliza confesses to the murder she refuses to share anymore details, or even talk. This forces Lucy to go to the scene of the crime, so she can uncover what really is going on in the small town Eliza has come from.
I love a book that is centered around a small town. This small town is not unlike others, there are a lot of secrets, people have a hard time accepting outsiders, and this one is also super religious. I really enjoyed this novel. It moved quickly, there were a lot of different elements to the story, and the characters were really strong. Like I mentioned earlier, I found this book to be really different from other books and I really liked that. As someone who reads a lot, sometimes books can all start to feel the same, but this one did not make me feel like that.
I gave this book 4/5 stars. I would highly recommend it. Especially to people who enjoy thrillers, or small town mysteries. I also enjoyed the authors writing style. I have read two books by Labuskes and I thoroughly enjoyed both of them and I look forward to reading more books by her!
Today’s blog is going to be dedicated to my February reading wrap-up! I did not read as many books this month as I did in January, but I still managed to read quite a few. In the month of February I read 8 books. Here are the 8 books I read:
- Every Last Secret by A.R. Torre
- The Edelweiss Sisters by Kate Hewitt
- One Year Gone by Avery Bishop
- Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris
- Girls of Glass by Brianna Labuskes
- Not a Happy Family by Shari Lapena
- The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware
- Burned by Ellen Hopkins
This was not my best reading month ever, but I still think it was a pretty good one. None of these books were the best I ever read, but I did really enjoy pretty much all of them. My favorite book this month I would say is The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware. I found it to be well written and an exciting thriller. I also really enjoyed Burned by Ellen Hopkins and I look forward to reading the sequel.
My least favorite I would say is Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris. I think I can handle books that are more disturbing or dark, but this one was even too much for me at times. I also felt the book ended super abruptly and I wish there were a little bit more to the ending. This book actually slowed me down quite a bit because it was so dark I had to read it slowly because at times it just became too much.
Overall, I would recommend each book that I read this month. I did not regret reading any of them or feel that any of them were a waste of my time. I will do more thorough reviews of each of these books throughout the month, so be on the lookout for that! I am excited to see how many books I read this month and if any of them will become my new favorite!
The Best of Friends by Lucinda Berry was a heartbreaking story about both friendship and motherhood. This novel contained very strong characters, a tragic story line, and just left me in tears.
Lindsey, Kendra, and Dani have been best friends for as long as they can remember. Now they are grown with children of their own. One night a tragic accident leaves one of their teenage sons dead, another in a coma, and the third too traumatized to speak. These three mothers plunge themselves into the investigation to try and figure out what caused this bizarre incident to take place. As the investigation moves forward they begin to learn things about their own sons that they never knew. Which leaves them questioning how well do they really know their own children? And how well do they even really know each other?
This book absolutely ripped my heart out and shattered my soul. The character development throughout the novel was really well done. As I read the novel I felt the growth of each character. This book was more than just a mystery. Of course I read it because I wanted to know what happened, but it went deeper than that. This book portrayed how far some people will go to keep a secret. It depicted jealousy, pain, secrets, burdens, motherhood, friendships. This book really faced a lot of prominent issues and took them head on.
I gave this book 4/5 stars. I thought it was written well and the characters were multi dimensional. I would highly recommend this novel, and not only to people who like thrillers. It honestly felt more like a contemporary fiction book to me than a thriller. I think everyone could get something out of this book.I have read a few books by Lucinda Berry and really liked them. I am excited to read more of her books!
Girls of Glass by Brianna Labuskes had such an unexpected ending to me, I can’t stop thinking about it. I love a thriller that at the end completely twists another way and surprises me. A lot of times I can figure out the ending before I get there, but this one I had no idea what was to come.
Sterling Burke is a powerful Judge in Florida. When his granddaughter goes missing it is all hands on deck to find her. For Detective Alice Garner, this case brings up a past trauma from her own life, the kidnapping and murder of her own daughter. Alice is reluctant to cast any blame on Charlotte Burke, the little girls mother, because she knows her position in this all too well. As detectives are working on the case they begin to pull up secrets from the family that they have buried from years. As time goes on they realize this family is not as perfect as it seems, but would one of them go as far as kidnapping a little girl to keep the secrets from coming out? And Alice’s own life is becoming tangled within this case and secrets and lies from her are beginning to surface.
I thought this book was well executed and well written. It was very different from so many thrillers I have read before. Even though most of the characters had a lot of characteristics that were unlikable, ultimately they were still likable. That can be super hard to achieve as an author, but Labuskes had no issues with that. As mentioned previously, the twist at the end ultimately really surprised me.
I gave this book 3.5/5 stars. I know some people really did not like it, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn’t find it to be unrealistic or that the ending was too much. I thought it was well thought out and something different from how these books typically go. I can understand where other people are coming from, but I really enjoyed it. I have read one other book by this author and I really enjoyed that as well. I definitely look forward to reading more books by her!
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid is a book that I have seen everywhere. It feels like everyone has been talking about it and honestly it took me a while to actually read it because when a book gets that much hype it makes me nervous. I was worried that it was not going to be that good. After reading this book though, it deserves all of the praise it has received. This book was so good. It was honestly unlike anything I have ever read before.
Evelyn Hugo was a Hollywood movie icon from the 1950s to the 80s, when she made the decision to leave the industry. She has not done any interviews since she has left the industry. Suddenly she chooses to tell her story to an unknown magazine reporter, Monique Grant. Monique has no idea why Evelyn has chosen her to write her biography, but she wants to use this opportunity to jump-start her career. Throughout the novel Evelyn tells Monique the story of her life and answers all of the questions everyone is dying to know the answers to. Why was she married seven times? Who did she love the most? Why did she suddenly leave the industry? Why now is she choosing to do an interview? And the biggest question for Monique, why did Evelyn choose her to write her biography?
I cannot give enough praise to this book. I felt every possible emotion while reading this novel. The story was beautiful and unlike anything I have ever read. This was one of the first books I read this year and I have no idea if I am going to be able to top it. I loved the old Hollywood feel the book had, I loved the characters, and I loved the unexpected story-lines throughout. I honestly could see this book one day becoming a movie.
I give this book 5/5 stars. I would honestly give it more if I could. I cannot stop thinking about this novel. I wish I could read it again for the first time. I would highly recommend this book to anyone. If you only read one book this year, make it this one.
Be sure to check out my Instagram: @bookswithmadelyn for more Updates!
January felt literally like the longest month ever, but at the same time I am surprised it is already February. With the end of January, this post is dedicated to my January reading wrap-up! I read 12 books in January and honestly this was a great reading month for me. I read some of the best books I have ever read.
The twelve books I read this month were:
- Libertie by Kaitlyn Greenidge
- Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
- The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
- No Time to Say Goodbye by Kate Hewitt
- When the Stars Go Dark by Paula McLain
- A Flicker in the Dark by Stacy Willingham
- Family Happiness by Laurie Colwin
- Mrs. Mike by Benedict Freedman
- It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover
- Layla by Colleen Hoover
- Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover
- The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn
Clearly, I went on a little bit of a Colleen Hoover binge towards the end. My least favorite on this list was definitely Layla by Colleen Hoover. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say about that book. I really did not like it. There is definitely an audience for it, but I’m definitely not it. I gave it 2/5 stars because I think there might be some redeemable qualities? But honestly, I don’t know. The book kind of broke my brain temporarily and I’m still trying to sort my thoughts from that book.
My favorite book was hands down The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Going into this my expectations were actually kind of low. I had been seeing the book everywhere and just kind of assumed the book was being over hyped, but that is definitely not the case. I would read that book over and over again if I could. If you do read it, I am just warning you now, be prepared to cry. I don’t cry a lot at books, but I sobbed at the end of this one. I can’t praise this book enough, so just do yourself a favor and read it.
There are some honorable mentions on this list as well. Reminders of Him was also really good and I sobbed at this book as well to be honest. I also cried at It Ends With Us so it was a big month of tears for me. If you are looking for a good historical fiction, coming of age novel, I would recommend Libertie I have not seen a lot about the book, but it deserves praise. I really enjoyed it and wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it.
I am excited to see what February brings and how many books I read this month. Especially with it being a shorter month. Let me know what you read this month! as always be sure to check out my instagram: @bookswithmadelyn to keep up to date with my current reads!
In 2021 I read 100 books and in this blog post I am going to be sharing my top five favorite books I read last year. My reading style is kind of all over the place and this post will reflect that, but I tend to read mostly contemporary fiction, mystery and thrillers, and some historical fiction. Choosing my top five was extremely difficult because I read so many good books, but I somehow managed to curate a list of my five favorite books I read last year and here they are (in no particular order):
- A Little Hope by Ethan Joella. this book had a lot of characters and when I read the synopsis it honestly confused me, but it was such a beautiful book and it all begins to make sense once you start reading. This book follows a couple named Freddie and Greg Tyler through Greg’s cancer diagnosis. This book also touches on the stories of the people in their town and their life challenges and hardships as well. It is a simple story and the writing was beautiful. I found it to be a really impactful novel and just a reminder that you don’t know what other people are going through or experiencing in their lives.
- Miss Jane by Brad Watson is a coming of age, historical fiction novel about the life of Jane Chisolm, who was born in the early twentieth century with a genital birth defect. This birth defect causes Jane to not be able to live what would be considered a “normal” life for a woman at that time. She was unable to have kids because of it and therefore she never married. So many people told her she was destined to live a lonely life, but Jane was determined to prove her life was anything but lonely. I loved how this novel looked differences in the face and proved that just because someone is different does not mean there is anything wrong with them. While I was reading this book I kept thinking of how shame is an emotion or feeling you do not really feel until others put that feeling on you.
- Spilled Milk by K.L. Randis is a book that is based on a true story. This book follows Brooke Nolan who is being abused by her father and one day she makes an anonymous phone call about the abuse because it has been escalating. Unfortunately, social services ends up actually jeopardizing her safety so she quickly takes back what she said and is forced to keep her fathers secret longer. One night though she is at her friends house and a glass of spilled milk is what brings Brooke to tell the truth about her father. It then follows Brooke through the journey of the trial against her father and also the journey of losing family members who do not support her through the trial. I really liked how this book took abuse and looked at it as a whole and not just as a singular issue. It examined what it is like to have people not believe you when you decide to tell your truth. Brooke’s resiliency was used against her, the question of why she never told anyone was brought up, she was blamed for what happened to her and for ruining her fathers life because of what he did. I thought this book did an exceptional job at depicting abuse in a family and all the different aspects that play a part. I found this novel to be liberating, I guess is the best word I can think of. It was well written and I highly recommend the book.
- Once There Were Wolves by Charlotte McConaghy was such a good book. This book stole a piece of my heart and I read it months ago and I find myself still thinking about it. Inti Flynn moves to Scotland with her twin sister, Aggie, because Inti is leading a team of biologists in reintroducing 14 gray wolves into the remote Highlands. They are introducing the wolves to help the dying landscape in Scotland. Inti brought her sister with her because she is hoping to help heal her sister from a terrible trauma and secret that has made them leave Alaska. The town is not thrilled about the wolves and shortly after the wolves were introduced to the land, a farmer ends up dead and the town is blaming the wolves. Inti is determined to prove it was not the wolves, but that is becoming difficult when all signs are actually pointing to the man she has begun to fall in love with. The writing in this book was absolutely stunning. It was poetic and remained graceful while talking about some terrible tragedies. I would read this book over and over again if I could. The plot twist at the end really surprised me. I honestly did not see it coming. If you only read one book on this list, read this one. You will not regret it.
- A Town Called Solace by Mary Lawson is told from the viewpoint of three different people. Clara is 8 years old and her older sister, Rose, is missing. She has not been seen or heard from for weeks. Clara is young and does not fully understand what is happening, but she is anxiously awaiting the return of her sister. Liam Payne is in his early thirties and he has just moved across the street from Clara’s family. This is a small town and with his new arrival around the time of Rose’s disappearance is a cause for concern for Clara. Mrs. Orchard is in her eighties and she owns the home Liam is now staying in. Mrs. Orchard is in the hospital and has asked Clara to keep an eye on her cat. Throughout the novel you find out how Mrs. Orchard and Liam are acquainted and what transpired between the two of them many years ago. I enjoyed this novel because it has a little bit of everything. It was a mixture of contemporary fiction and mystery and the three different viewpoints added a whole other element. Again, the writing in this novel was beautiful and beautiful writing will get me every time. This is another book I read months ago, but still think about. I almost wish I didn’t read it yet and that I could read it for the first time again. This book made me want to read more of Mary Lawson’s novels.
These were my top five books of 2021 and I am excited to see what will make my top five at the end of this year. Right now I have my yearly goal set at 50 books, but I am hoping to reach 100 again. I am currently on my 9th book of the year. I am surprised I was able to narrow it down to just five books. It was hard but these novels definitely deserved to be in the top five and again I highly recommend each of them. Next time you are looking for something to read I promise you will not regret reading any of these books.
Family Happiness by Laurie Colwin was such a good read. It is one of those books where once you finish it you cannot stop thinking about it. The more I read literary fiction and contemporary fiction the more I fall in love with it. There is simplicity to the stories, yet the feelings you get from them is so much more than simplistic.
This book follows Polly who seems to come from the picture perfect family. She is married to a great guy who has built a wonderful life for himself and his family, she has two perfect children, her parents are successful and well-known in her community, and her siblings are also successful in their own ways. In so many ways Polly appears to have the perfect life, except for one big thing: she is in the midst of a love affair with a painter named Lincoln.
Throughout the entire book as a reader I could just feel everything Polly was feeling and going through. Polly was relatable and her pain was palpable. I loved the connection I felt with Polly even though I have never actually been through what she was experiencing. The question that kept coming up for me throughout the entire book was, is it possible for good people to have an affair? Obviously everyone will answer that question differently, but I do not think the answer is as simple as it would appear.
Based on the reviews I have read I know not everyone loves this book, but I have to say I really loved it. This book looked at the role of women as daughters, mothers, wives, and siblings and showed the pressure that can be created for these women to always have it together and to care about everyone else’s feelings whilst no one else really seems to care about theirs. At the end of the book I was actually sad to see Polly go and to no longer be apart of her journey.
I would highly recommend this book. It is a quick read, there are a lot of funny, dry humor moments, and the writing was beautiful. I give this book 4/5 stars and I definitely want to read more of Laurie Colwin’s books in the future.
I have been thinking a lot lately about time and how as a society we are always on the go. We hardly ever live in the moment or slow down and take in what is going on right in front of us. There is so much pressure to always be working hard and when you take a break or slow down for a bit I find I feel like a failure in some way because I am not working hard enough or because I need a break. I often find myself rushing from one thing to the next. One morning I was rushing through trying to get my morning started. I had taken out my dog, Ellie, I brought her back in and fed her and my cat, Fiona. I was trying to get my list of things I needed to do that day started, but when I walked by my bedroom I noticed Ellie was sitting on my bed trying her best to look out the window with Fiona. Fiona has no trouble getting up to the windowsill so she can look out the window, but Ellie can’t get up there on her own and she needs me to hold her there so she does not fall off of it (she is quite clumsy and has no spatial awareness). I had things that needed to get done, but watching Ellie sitting on my bed trying to see the little bit that she could through the window made me stop and slow down. I walked in to my room and asked Ellie if she wanted to look out the window. It is one of her favorite things to do and she knows what the question means. Immediately she started wagging her tail and running towards me so I could pick her up and put her up on the windowsill. It had snowed the night before and all Ellie and Fiona wanted to do was stare at the snow lying on the ground and balancing in the trees. I could see the joy radiating out of Ellie and it was coming from such a simple thing. This all made me stop and really appreciate just living in the moment and appreciating the small things. I know this all sounds so cliche, but I could have easily ignored Ellie and kept moving on with my day, but because I stopped and slowed down and gave her that little bit of joy, in turn, I was giving myself a little bit of joy. And time. And forgiveness. We can learn so much from dogs and in this moment I learned so much from Ellie. Sometimes, we need to just slow down and look out the window and find joy in even the tiniest of things.
Sometimes, the silence that lingers- says what we cannot; it holds a key to all of the unspoken words; the words no one wants to say; the ones we are too afraid to admit to ourselves; I know all about silence- it is where I am most comfortable; it is where I live most days; silence does not bother me the way it does others; I find comfort in it; I find myself in it; some think it is a bad thing I am quiet- and maybe it is; but it has never bothered me; sometimes others talk too much- some things are better left unsaid; I have learned to enjoy the silence; sometimes that is when you learn the most about others; you can see who others really are- when all there is- is silence.
I picture what could have happened when I told you the truth- my truth; the story that has kept a hold on me for as long as I can remember; I imagined the moment so many times; I wrote a narrative and created a character you would never be able to play; being upset at your reaction-was my fault really; I set you to impossibly high standards; my mind created a version of you that will never exist; when I told you the first time- and you hardly reacted- I should have just left it there; I should have buried the secret back down and never brought it up again; it was my fault really- for thinking you would rally behind me- when you never really cared for my presence in the first place- at one point you did though- which is why I tried to tell you the truth; I honestly thought you forgot I even told you; until one night you bring it up again; once again- it is my fault for feeling hopeful; my heart beating uncontrollably fast when I think you might try to help me; just the thought of you believing me makes the darkness feel less vast; instead- you ask me why I would make up something like that- why I would even say such a thing; I feel the darkness swallow me whole; that night I read a book- the main character tells her truth; everyone she tells believes her; everyone she tells wants to help her; at one point I started crying so hard I could not even see the pages anymore; when I finish the book I throw it against the wall- as the words- why would you make this up- echo throughout my mind; the first time I watched my body being taken I felt like I was not even in the room; afterwards, the pain I felt- felt like it could not possibly be mine; it felt as if it should belong to someone else; I now picture what I wanted to happen when I told you the truth; you listen to every word I say; you ask questions- but do not get angry when I choose not to answer; you tell me you believe me; when I cry- you just let me; you tell me you believe me; it is so good to finally feel at home.
The moon never apologizes for how much-or how little light she decides to cast upon the night; so I will learn from her and try to stop apologizing for the way I show up in my life; it was a Tuesday afternoon and I was crying; I was not crying from anything bad-for what felt like the first time in forever- I was crying from laughing so hard; we both started laughing and at some point it developed into tears and now neither of us can breathe in the best way; it is in these moments I realize the strongest things always make it through; there are so many days where the sadness camps itself inside of my heart and I cannot get her to go away; but the happiness is determined to push through; and when I really need her to show up- somehow she always does; there are bad things- but I am working on not letting it dictate the good; my happiness is all there is to separate him from me; he may have taken many things from me the night he took my body; but I will work on not letting him take it all away; I am standing in the middle of my new apartment- the one I worked hard for- the one so many people told me I would not be able to get- and I think of all of the people who have told me I would never be successful; I envision all of the nights where giving up seemed like the best option- sometimes the only option- and right now I am so glad I never gave up; I am learning there will always be people who will doubt your ability; there will always be people who want more from you than you are able to give; but in the end the right people will always show up; the right people will always be happy for you and support every decision you make; it is a Tuesday afternoon and the world does not feel like it is closing in around me; it is a Tuesday afternoon and I will accept the happiness and try to not diminish it; the moon never apologizes for how she shows up; and from now on- I will try to not either.
I live in a body that was never really mine; I count backwards from ten- try to find the number that will make all of this mean something; try to find the number that will convince me that all of this is okay; my assault is a story told in three parts; part one- your love is unconditional; you come to save me from the wreckage- you promise me you love me; you promise me you will not hurt me; I believe every word you say- even when I know better; part two- your anger begins to explode into small moments throughout the day; your dislike for me slowly becoming the loudest thing in the room; you tell me you know what is best for me; tell me you are helping me; you tell me I am always wrong- yet you still tell me that you love me; still promise me you will never hurt me; I still believe every word you say; part three- you steal my body from me- claim it as your own; when I feel you inside of me- I have to pretend to just not; I spend hours in the shower scrubbing away your touch; call a rape crisis hotline- hang up on the first ring; call again and again- only to just keep hanging up; I write down all of the reasons it is my fault; I ice the bruises- wash all of the wounds you left behind; try to call the hotline just one more time- but the fear and shame are just too persistent; the walls collapse around me- I see your face every time I close my eyes; there is a forgetfulness that takes over the memories- a wall that closes around my mind; I wish to forget every detail- yet I am fighting to remember any of the details; I call the hotline one last time- when the person on the other end reminds me I am not alone- I want to tell her that that is the problem- instead I just hang up; I check all of the locks three times; I look for the moon through my window- make sure she can see inside; I promise the moon I will make it to the morning; I follow the moon on my drive every morning; I thank her for getting me through another night; before I start my day- I count backwards from ten- try to find the number that will make all of this mean something; try to find the number that will convince me that all of this is okay- learn to accept- that maybe I will never be okay.
We live with trust printed on the back of our hearts; drowning in all of your words hoping to believe the truth lies somewhere in them; your words left wounds; the same way your love does; it is not that I do not believe in your love; it is more that I stopped believing you when you told me you loved me; I think about your family often; I wonder if they miss you; or at least miss who you once were; but will never be again; I try to scrub myself clean of the memories of you; try to make all of the parts of me you have touched disappear; when the light comes shining in through my window just right- it almost does look like you love me; I do not know why I want you to love me; it would be much easier if you did not; it would be much easier if I would not let myself drown in all of the lies you cover me in; it is not that it always feels so impossible to fully love you; it is more that it feels like you want me to love you more than anything; yet you never want to reciprocate any of this love; I drag your love onto the grave site that sits on my heart; I worship the ghosts of the love that you were at one time able to provide; I wish over and over that you will one day turn back into the person you once were; I still drown in all of your words while I tirelessly search for the truth; believing it has to be hidden somewhere in there; no matter how far it is hidden- there are so many days where I am still determined to find it; determined to turn the wounds your love leaves back into anything else; I still look for the light to shine through just right- to prove the person you once were- still exists somewhere; even if it is hard to find.
This sadness is the gospel I worship every night; thoughts of ending it all race through my mind- more often than I would ever care to admit; I know too many people believe I choose this; there are so many days where I question whether or not I am making it all up; I worry what if I do like the suffering; maybe all of this suffering is what makes me interesting; I wonder what I would be without this sadness; what would happen if the trauma were to disappear; there are different things that make us whole; so many parts that make up who we are; what are you supposed to do when the parts of you that scare everyone else- make up most of who you are; I do not know who I would be without the skeletons of my trauma following me into every room I enter; the brokenness builds a home out of me; making me whole in a way others will never understand; when you have been broken for so long- sometimes it feels as if there is no other way too be; I am saying all of this to tell you- I am sorry if all of this is too much for you; I am sorry if my sadness makes you uncomfortable; I am working on building homes out of the happy moments; but it will take some time; the body has to build a tolerance to everything; and for now- my body is trying to figure out how to hold happiness.
Sometimes I feel the more I think about it the more control he has over me; if I pretend it never happened- maybe I can convince myself it never actually happened; no matter what the scars on my soul tell me; no matter how many nightmares I have; if you keep hiding from the truth- you might be able to convince yourself of anything; I convince myself that something else happened that night- anything else happened that night; except convincing yourself never really works- but what is the harm in pretending; what is the harm in ripping the truth out of yourself and throwing it into the ocean; hoping with each wave the truth of what happened will drown a little bit more; my truths cover the entire ocean floor now; when you swim in the ocean- be careful not to cut yourself on the shards of my secrets.
When I was 8 years old every girl in my class had a crush on a boy named Timmy; of course I said I did too- because the way they talked about him made it seem like he placed all the stars in the night sky; made it seem like if I did not like him- there was something wrong with me; I stared at him everyday of second grade trying to figure out why I could not see it; trying to figure out why I could not feel what every other girl so easily felt; that was the year I realized I was different; people do not always like different; from that year on I have buried myself so far into the closet there are days where sometimes I have to make sure that the door is still able to open; I have hidden this secret in the dark house of my bones and have let the shame of it nearly kill me; there are so many days I promise myself I will take this secret to the grave with me; from that year on I have become a girl who is made up of apologies; this closet keeps getting darker and darker; I cannot quite decide if I am more terrified of the dark; or the guilt and shame that always seem to come with it.
In another world- I think maybe this all would have made sense; in another world- I may have been strong enough to actually leave; I stand at the casket of your love- your love that never really existed- but I convinced myself it did anyway; your love that is now just bone ground into dust; I convince myself of a lot of things when I am with you; I will turn into whatever you want me to be- which I know is sometimes the problem; my sexual orientation is still the loudest thing in the room whenever I am with you; to you I represent all of the sins of the land; to love the way I do- is to throw flames into an already burning fire; I know you see this love as a sacrifice; you see me as the greatest burden to enter every room; I watch you fall; I watch the whole world collapse around us; yet I still do not know how to leave; I know there is another world- in which I am unfazed by the fact that you do not love me back; there is another world where you tell me you may never love me- I learn to not hope for anything different; I learn to not chase something that does not exist in the first place; the thing I am learning about this love- is there is always a wrong way to be something; there is always a wrong way to live; in this world- I spend no more time convincing you to love me; I take the time you have granted me and put the hours back into myself; I take the hours and build a home out of what I love; without you in my life- I have so much time; and so many glorious things to fill it with.
I tell her I am sorry- she has to leave now because I do not want her around; she refuses to leave, tells me it is not true; she says the truth is I have always wanted to be with her; she is not wrong; I always wondered what she would feel like, but I was never allowed to get to know her; my body carved hollow to only feel what they want me to feel; I think they may have forgotten about the grave- somewhere deep inside of me- holding all of the secrets- their secrets; she follows me every where some days- no matter what I do I can just not get rid of her; I hear whispers of her presence in every hallway I walk through; my chest tightens; heart beats faster; I beg her to just leave me alone- yet she still will not leave; she tells me she will not leave- because clearly I do not want her to; one day- I ask her what she wants- I ask her to explain to me why I cannot get her to leave me alone; I ask her- why is she here now; why did she not bother to show up when I was being raped- because if she showed up then- maybe together we would have been able to stop it; we sit in silence for a while; I tell her if she is going to stay she needs to give me time to get used to her; that is the thing about emotions- anger specifically; when you are not used to feeling them- when you are told you are wrong for feeling them- you will do everything in your power to send them away; which will just make them come back stronger; I look anger in the eye- tell her it is okay if she wants to stay around for a while; maybe letting her live in me will not be such a bad thing; maybe feeling different emotions- no matter how uncomfortable- can be a good thing; maybe with anger on my side- I will finally learn how to not just back down; I will finally learn it is okay to fight if you need to.
I am lying in my bed and surrounding myself with as many pillows as I possibly can- I am trying to make sure if he shows up in my dreams tonight- I will be prepared; my dog sleeps by my head most nights- and I like to think it is because she knows I can use all of the protection I can get; every night I carry out a ritual of made up safety; a ritual that is slowly turning into obsessions that I think may never really help- but I may never be able to stop; I will sleep under as many blankets as it takes to stop feeling so exposed; I will hide from him; I will hide from him until hiding no longer feels safe- and when it no longer feels safe I am not quite sure what I will do; the day he took my body from me- he also took my home; the day he took my body- he took everything; most nights I read until my eyes are burning- because the thought of going to sleep is just too scary; I do not want to see his face ever again if I do not have to; I wake one night to the sound of a scream and my dog frantically licking my face- it takes me a minute to realize that scream came out of me; I clutch the stuffed animal everyone makes fun of me for still sleeping with- as I try to slow my breath; my dog lays on my chest- we have been here too many times before- she knows exactly what to do; the more days that pass- the more I realize everything he has taken from me; the anger sits somewhere inside of me; each night I will add another step to the ritual; each night I will check the lock one more time than I did the night before; each night I will hate him a little bit more for making me do all of this; each night I will hope that carrying out this ritual does not make me more of a victim; I will hope that when I see him in my dreams tonight- this time I will finally learn how to run.
Every morning the bright yellow ball caresses the earth- demanding everyone to be aware of its existence; always rising in the east and setting in the west- its presence will forever be counted on; but- with light- always follows darkness; when the light begins to fade- the darkness will shortly follow; this darkness creeps in ever so slightly; until- all in an instant there is nothing but blackness surrounding you; but- when the light fades to dark- there is one thing you can always count on; the magnificent ball of light will always rise again; and the beauty it beholds will take everyone’s breath away all over again.
She felt like a flower wilted and alone- the way he undressed her with a single look; she felt like a flower- one that had been picked and left to die- he knew all of her insecurities and made sure to make them visible to every eye; she felt like a flower- but not the kind that everyone loves- he made her unlovable- yet she lusted after him even so; she felt like a flower- but not like a rose whose beauty is always alluring- he has taken all of her beauty as he touches her without care; she felt like a flower- whose petals have been ripped off one by one- he has taken every piece of her; including her soul; she felt like a flower- yet not so much anymore- he has taken the garden inside of her; leaving her vacant- with nothing but shattered petals- surrounding her whole.
The honesty lives somewhere deep in my chest,
I don’t know if I will ever tell anyone the whole truth-
but I’m hoping to tell parts of it;
the scars on my arm tell me
maybe the truth isn’t hidden so deep inside of me-
maybe I’m not as hard to read as I thought I was;
one night we lay on the floor laughing together,
right now she doesn’t look as scary as usual.
I want this moment to never end;
my biggest hope is that she feels the same.